Still looking up

I always joke about how I hate to talk about my feelings in person and how much I dislike the "unicorns, glitter, rainbows, and touchy-feely" events of life...yet, all I seem to do on this blog is whine about my feelings. It's kind of a risky thing to talk about, and really, I certainly don't put it all out there. However, when I started blogging, I just wanted to write and have some kind of outlet...what I didn't expect was to go through a rough patch and start blogging about depression.

I know I never got too deep into it...but I kind of cringe when I look at some of the posts and wonder if it's something I really want on the interwebs. It's kind of weird to have a record (however vague and brief it may be) of when things started to change for me. Honestly, I don't even know what I'm getting at in this post so far...I guess I just needed to get it out. Obviously, this is just a tiny blog that not too many people actually read...so I guess it doesn't matter too much....but it still feels weird and I'm still not sure why I keep writing in it.

The good news is that things are looking up. I really started feeling better around Christmas, and, for the most part, things keep getting better. Obviously nobody has a perfect day every day and stuff always happens, but there's something about changing over to a new year that gives a "clean slate" feeling to life. It's interesting to me that some arbitrary day makes things better. I can't describe it, but I swear to God, the clock hit midnight and it was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders.

Nothing else changed except for the day (and I suppose the month and year) yet it made all the difference in the world. I wish I had a better explanation for it...and I wish I could figure out why I held on to all the negative feelings until that point in time. I'm not sure what the new year holds...maybe it will be good, maybe something really bad will happen. I have no clue (hopefully good things.) 

I don't really have a direction for the blog...because, as I mentioned, not too many people read here and it's not like I was aiming to have a lifestyle blog or running blog...or, God forbid, an effing fashion blog (ha! unless there's a niche for yoga pants wearing, ugg loving, sweatshirt obsessed fashion bloggers.) I only ever started this because I wanted to write. And I still do. Not in a professional sense, just for me. I'm hoping my writing will start to reflect more of the funny, random stuff going on in my head and less of what I've been actually writing about (when I've felt up to writing.)

I'm also still hopeful that this will be a good year. I'm not putting any pressure on myself to accomplish anything. I'm honestly hoping to just "be" for a year (though it's beyond tempting to sign up for something crazy, like a marathon.) I am keeping my eyes open for new opportunities...but if I'm still here doing the same thing next year, it's not the end of the world. Maybe it's just what I need.

Obligatory New Year's post

Happy New Year! I don't know about you, but I'm glad the shit sandwich that was 2014 is over. Was it the worst year I've ever had? No, far from it (those awards would go to 2001 and 2011.) I'm not going to rehash all the events 2014 because it's just not worth it, but it was a year of a lot of change (much of it not good) and I had to say goodbye to some very special members of my family, and, by extension, a huge piece of my childhood.

I actually think I held it together really well for most of the year (and was way more optimistic than I've ever been) but something started to shift in October and by November I found myself in a state of depression that I've been slowly digging myself out of ever since. I know most people don't think depression is serious or that big of a deal, but if you don't treat it, it gets ugly real fast. Things started to look up on Christmas and I feel like I'm finally reaching a state of "normal" again...and it feels good. Of course, 2014 wasn't entirely crappy - a lot of good things happened too, but I'm not sad to see it go. Peace out 2014, don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.

Now that it's January 1st, everyone is making resolutions and declaring a complete overhaul on life. Truth be told, I've never been one to make resolutions because, like 98% of the population, I can't seem to stick with it past January 8th. I tend to be a bit more free spirited and don't like trying to fit my life into the confines of some arbitrary declaration of "I will lose 25 pounds" or "I will save $10,000 in my emergency fund." Let's be real - at the end of the day we all want to look better, feel better, have more money in our bank account, have good relationships, travel, be organized, etc. I'm certainly not immune to the lure of a resolution, but I read something yesterday that really struck me - instead of a resolution that requires a 180 on your life, or requires perfection, why not just just aim to live your life, only find ways to "do better" because any improvement is a step in the right direction. And really, we should always aim go grow and improve, not just on January 1st.

That being said, I was going to share in more detail what some of my goals were and what I wanted to improve on, but honestly? I'm just not sure they are necessary to blog about, at least, not quite yet. I'm just going to continue living my life and aiming to do it better overall. I probably will write about some of these things eventually (and possibly sooner than later...because I'm unusually excited about my reorganized closet....like, I even used a label maker...it makes me happy) but for now, I think I'm just going to live my life and not think too much about it.

I know we are only 13 hours into the new year, but I'm hopeful that this year will be better than the last. And if it isn't? Well, I'll find a way to get through it because I always do...and really, do we have any choice but to get through it?