Not a happy camper

I'm angry as hell right now. I'm not sure how clear this post will be...or if I'll regret posting this later, but I feel like I need to get it out, so here it goes...

Anyone who knows me knows me beyond the surface/acquaintance level knows I've had some pretty serious bouts of depression. Not severe enough to be hospitalized...but severe enough to have some pretty dark episodes and seek treatment. Going through my medical/family history would take too much time and energy (not to mention the fact that it would be invasive and probably better left off the internets.) But, the important thing to know is that I did not take the decision to take medication for my depression lightly. I weighed the benefits and risks and ultimately came to the conclusion that I was doing more harm to myself by not taking medication and seeking the help I needed.

Treating depression has been an ongoing process for me over the last several years, but thanks to an awesome doctor in LA, I found the right dosage/combination of things that helped me to function. When I moved, the transition to a new doctor was pretty seamless and she supported the treatment plan I had in place. I take a mid-rage dosage of some standard medications and combine it with exercise/healthy habits to make me function like a "normal" human being. I'm not an overly happy, unemotional robot, but I think this is what 'normal' feels like. Everything has been good for a while now and it's been great. However, that all changed today.

I logged on to my pharmacy's website and requested a refill on my medication, just like I have done every month with this specific doctor and pharmacy for the 36 months. Only this time I got a lovely voice mail from the pharmacist saying my request for a refill was denied. After giving myself a minute to calm down, I called my doctor for more clarification on the issue...why, after three years, is this suddenly an issue? (side note, I like my doctor, but the office staff could use a lesson in compassion...but that's really not the point right now.) I tried to keep my cool on the phone, but I couldn't help but to give the physician's assistant a bit of attitude - I mean, it would have been great if someone had told me about this new policy a few months ago, not when I'm trying to refill needed medications.

As upset as I am. I know it's not my doctor's fault or the pharmacy's fault and is likely just another case of "government red tape" (I'm not going to get into politics right now, but I'm very 'middle-of-the-road' when it comes to politics...if that matters) The thing I hate the most about all of this is the fact that I feel like I'm treated like some tweaked-out druggie every. single. time I have to pick up my medication. I hate it. Honestly? I'm not at all embarrassed about the fact that I've chosen to take medication to treat depression. I'm actually proud of the fact that I took control of my health and did something to get my life back. That being said, there is a certain amount of shame in picking up my medication each month, getting treated by some pharmacists/pharmacy staff as if I'm just sitting around popping pills all the live long day.

I know that laws and regulations are in place for a reason. I know there is a huge drug problem in the US. I'm aware that addicts come in all forms and the fact that I have two jobs (by choice,) a Master's degree and am active in my community doesn't make me immune to addiction. I'm not saying that there should be a Xanax dispenser next to soda machines, you know? But, what I am saying, is that it shouldn't be so goddamned hard for people with legitimate, documented and monitored conditions/illnesses to get the medication they need. It also really, really bothers me that mental health and psychological disorders are completely discounted, yet sensationalized when someone goes off the deep end and does something stupid.  

It's not even the part about going to the doctor every six months to get re-approved that annoys me. If anything, this will probably all be fine and I'm getting prematurely worked up about the issue. I'm not sure if it's a loss of control over my own health and well being, or anger at the politics involved. Either way, I'm scared that I may no longer be able to take the medication that allows me to get out of bed every morning and be a functioning member of society. The medication that prevents me from drowning in a pool of sobs and tears...for no reason at all.  The medication that balances me and lets me realize that life is worth living, rather than being a listless, ambivalent shell of a human who stays in bed for days at a time.

As for long term treatment, there's the whole 'you're just going through a withdrawal/you can't be on this your whole life' thing that some people seem to bring up..and I've tried more than once to taper off medication...and each time. instead of things getting better as time went on, they got worse. There was a point a few years ago when I felt like a total failure because the taper wasn't working. I went back to my doctor in tears and she explained that depending on genetics, chemical make-up, etc., some people really do need to be on medication for the long term and depression is sometimes a life-long condition. I don't know what the future holds for me...I would like to think that I won't be dealing with this forever, but I've made peace with the fact that it may not be in the cards for me. The most important thing is that I'm healthy, happy and productive, with or without medication and that I have the support to make that happen.

I'm willing to speak up and attempt to advocate for myself, but I wonder how many people out there are too ashamed or too afraid to get the help they need. I wonder how many people give up after the first round of red-tape with insurance companies, the government and the health care industry as a whole. I wish that depression and its treatments would be taken more seriously...because the real danger to society doesn't come from medication itself, but rather the fact that people don't have access to the thing they might need the most.

It's always something

Here we go - another one of my haphazard random updates...For my 2.87 readers, I apologize in advance, because most of this will likely be totally boring and useless to you. For some unknown reason I feel compelled to write about it though.

I believe the last time I blogged, I was frustrated at myself for my complete lack of organization in my personal, financial and possibly work life. I felt like I was slowly drowning and there was really no reason for it. Since then, I've worked on getting my shit together in all of those areas and while nothing is where I want it to be, I do feel a bit better about all of that stuff. It's amazing how something as simple as keeping stuff clean and clutter-free can help. I finally feel like I'm getting my finances together and while I have a LONG way to go, I feel like I finally have a tiny bit of momentum going and I don't want to ruin it by spending my money on stupid stuff.

That being said, life has thrown a curve ball and while it's too early to know exactly what's going to happen and how everything is going to play out, it's weighing pretty heavily on me. I've become quite complacent with my current situation, never really stopping to think about what would happen if one of those factors changed.

At some point in the near future, my current situation will likely be very, very different...and in some ways that's awesome...and in others, it's totally terrifying. One of the scenarios might be rather unpleasant and it's made me realize that I'm totally unprepared for the future, should the worst-case scenario actually happen...also, any financial traction I might have gained recently could potentially be derailed. I feel like I've been down this road a few times before and I've always just kind of given up...which inevitably leads me down a dark road.

I know one can never really be prepared for the future, but really, if I'm not careful, I'll be screwed (and not in a good way.) I've been tracking every penny, for better or worse in April. I'm not changing any habits quite yet, but it's important to me to see where I can improve so that even if the worst scenario happens, I'll be alright. I've never been one to buy big flashy items (I did have a brief, but very expensive phase post-college where I bought high-end designer jeans and purses...I'm over the jeans and I still use the purses from 10 years ago and don't plan on buying more) I know most of my purchases are small, but they are adding up and quite possibly ruining my financial and life goals.

I have a mini-vacation planned at the end of April that I'm not backing out on (because that would not be cool to everyone else and I'd have to pay for my part anyway.) I think the mini-trip should come in well under $500 (famous last words) and I'm hoping to keep it closer to $400.  Trip aside, come May 1st, I'm putting the brakes on my spending and hard-core saving for the future and paying off debt. Life is finally starting to brighten up and I'll be damned if I let a bump in the road throw me off this time.

Maybe I'll track my progress on here, maybe not (I actually do have a few post ideas) I don't know. I don't feel comfortable posting specific numbers and such and I'm not sure how much of my life I want on the interwebs, but I do feel better just having blogged about it, so there's that.