I'm angry as hell right now. I'm not sure how clear this post will be...or if I'll regret posting this later, but I feel like I need to get it out, so here it goes...
Anyone who knows me knows me beyond the surface/acquaintance level knows I've had some pretty serious bouts of depression. Not severe enough to be hospitalized...but severe enough to have some pretty dark episodes and seek treatment. Going through my medical/family history would take too much time and energy (not to mention the fact that it would be invasive and probably better left off the internets.) But, the important thing to know is that I did not take the decision to take medication for my depression lightly. I weighed the benefits and risks and ultimately came to the conclusion that I was doing more harm to myself by not taking medication and seeking the help I needed.
Treating depression has been an ongoing process for me over the last several years, but thanks to an awesome doctor in LA, I found the right dosage/combination of things that helped me to function. When I moved, the transition to a new doctor was pretty seamless and she supported the treatment plan I had in place. I take a mid-rage dosage of some standard medications and combine it with exercise/healthy habits to make me function like a "normal" human being. I'm not an overly happy, unemotional robot, but I think this is what 'normal' feels like. Everything has been good for a while now and it's been great. However, that all changed today.
Treating depression has been an ongoing process for me over the last several years, but thanks to an awesome doctor in LA, I found the right dosage/combination of things that helped me to function. When I moved, the transition to a new doctor was pretty seamless and she supported the treatment plan I had in place. I take a mid-rage dosage of some standard medications and combine it with exercise/healthy habits to make me function like a "normal" human being. I'm not an overly happy, unemotional robot, but I think this is what 'normal' feels like. Everything has been good for a while now and it's been great. However, that all changed today.
As upset as I am. I know it's not my doctor's fault or the pharmacy's fault and is likely just another case of "government red tape" (I'm not going to get into politics right now, but I'm very 'middle-of-the-road' when it comes to politics...if that matters) The thing I hate the most about all of this is the fact that I feel like I'm treated like some tweaked-out druggie every. single. time I have to pick up my medication. I hate it. Honestly? I'm not at all embarrassed about the fact that I've chosen to take medication to treat depression. I'm actually proud of the fact that I took control of my health and did something to get my life back. That being said, there is a certain amount of shame in picking up my medication each month, getting treated by some pharmacists/pharmacy staff as if I'm just sitting around popping pills all the live long day.
I know that laws and regulations are in place for a reason. I know there is a huge drug problem in the US. I'm aware that addicts come in all forms and the fact that I have two jobs (by choice,) a Master's degree and am active in my community doesn't make me immune to addiction. I'm not saying that there should be a Xanax dispenser next to soda machines, you know? But, what I am saying, is that it shouldn't be so goddamned hard for people with legitimate, documented and monitored conditions/illnesses to get the medication they need. It also really, really bothers me that mental health and psychological disorders are completely discounted, yet sensationalized when someone goes off the deep end and does something stupid.
It's not even the part about going to the doctor every six months to get re-approved that annoys me. If anything, this will probably all be fine and I'm getting prematurely worked up about the issue. I'm not sure if it's a loss of control over my own health and well being, or anger at the politics involved. Either way, I'm scared that I may no longer be able to take the medication that allows me to get out of bed every morning and be a functioning member of society. The medication that prevents me from drowning in a pool of sobs and tears...for no reason at all. The medication that balances me and lets me realize that life is worth living, rather than being a listless, ambivalent shell of a human who stays in bed for days at a time.
As for long term treatment, there's the whole 'you're just going through a withdrawal/you can't be on this your whole life' thing that some people seem to bring up..and I've tried more than once to taper off medication...and each time. instead of things getting better as time went on, they got worse. There was a point a few years ago when I felt like a total failure because the taper wasn't working. I went back to my doctor in tears and she explained that depending on genetics, chemical make-up, etc., some people really do need to be on medication for the long term and depression is sometimes a life-long condition. I don't know what the future holds for me...I would like to think that I won't be dealing with this forever, but I've made peace with the fact that it may not be in the cards for me. The most important thing is that I'm healthy, happy and productive, with or without medication and that I have the support to make that happen.
I'm willing to speak up and attempt to advocate for myself, but I wonder how many people out there are too ashamed or too afraid to get the help they need. I wonder how many people give up after the first round of red-tape with insurance companies, the government and the health care industry as a whole. I wish that depression and its treatments would be taken more seriously...because the real danger to society doesn't come from medication itself, but rather the fact that people don't have access to the thing they might need the most.
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