Don't worry, I'm totally judging myself

If you read my post from yesterday, you know that I'm going through a fairly major life change. I'm going to take a moment to sound like an overly dramatic douchebag, but hear me out...I feel like I'm losing a huge part of my identity, as I've been so wrapped up in this second job for the better part of 2 years. I don't really remember who I was without it.  I guess I have to find myself again (seriously, I'm judging myself so, so much for this paragraph...I can't believe I'm actually going to post it.) 

I'm excited to focus on things like running, reading, cooking, organizing...and, of course, spending time with friends and family that I've put on the back burner for so long (which, is probably the LAST thing one should EVER put on the back burner.) Maybe I'll attempting gardening again...play more games, do more puzzles, read trashy books, finally learn to sew and quilt on my own. The possibilities are almost endless, I suppose. 

I'm still nervous to see how this is all going to work out. I'm probably most nervous about the cut in income - I'm not sure how balance building my savings while paying off debt and still having a life (another post for another time, but I'm paying off all my credit cards with a personal loan that has a much, much lower interest rate, so I'll finally get ahead in this whole 'paying off debt' adventure.) I'm worried, but I'm also strangely at peace - I don't NEED a lot of things to be happy. I think I've finally, finally learned my lesson and become (wish it happened sooner, but it is what it is.)

This is going to be an interesting transition, but I'm optimistic that it will be a good one. All I can do right now is take things day by day.  I suppose it's time to start getting ready for my second to last Saturday of work at 'the mother ship'. Usually I'd be stressed trying to eat, shower, get dressed and do my hair...but today? I just don't care - I'm taking my time and I'm prepared for what is thrown my way today. 

It's not you, it's me (okay, maybe it's a little 'you')

I'm going through a breakup...and it sucks. It reminds me of why I avoid doing crazy, emotional wall-dropping things like 'dating' in the first place.

I suppose I should clarify that I'm not breaking up with another human being (obviously...because, me? dating? HA!) but rather, with a job. And, not just any job - this was the job I thought would lead to my dream job. This was the job to end all jobs. This was the answer to every prayer. This was what was going to fix everything that was wrong in my life (this? right here? is why relationships fail.) 

As it turns out, this wasn't my dream job...for a myriad of reasons. I tried to pretend that it was - I kept telling myself it would get better. It didn't. I kept telling myself that I would catch on and move up. I didn't. This was the toughest, most emotionally draining job I've ever had (clean up vomit and help someone find information about how to file for divorce in California...while helping four people ranging in age from 6-60 print documents while trying to help a toddler find their parents? AND stopping to 'bust' someone for viewing pornography? All in a day's work.) I thought it would get easier and that I'd have all the answers. I don't. These last few weeks have been awful. I tried to pretend like I was okay with what was happening and that I could work through it. I couldn't.

I gave up a lot to make this work. I can't count the number of sacrifices I made. I'm super lucky that I have a handful of close friends and family members that tolerate me (because if this was the other way around, I'd probably be all, 'peace out' ...again...this is also probably why I'm single.) I'm also super lucky that my 'non-dream-full-time-regular-job' tolerated all of this.

As I was getting ready for yet another super-long workday (not including the 2 hour commute) yesterday, I realized this wasn't working at all anymore. I realized that no amount of money would change the fact that I was unhappy and that I fell short of my own expectations. It suddenly hit me that things probably wouldn't be changing anytime soon...I would never be able to make them change....and so...it was time to say goodbye.

While I think I suck at relationships (again, obviously) I know that there's a point where you have to let go and take care of yourself. I'm still in love with the idea of this job...maybe we will get back together one day...but I know that this job, as it is now, will never lead to a happy 'marriage.' We would probably end up divorcing sooner than later...and that would be much, much worse than ending it now.

Most people are happy to leave a job that's no longer working for them. I'm fairly devastated (alright, 'fairly' probably isn't the right word...I'm devastated. Full-on devastated.) This was the job I worked so hard for. This was the job I pulled all-nighters for...while working full-time just to get the damn 'advanced' degree that is required for this job. This was the job I thought would be the golden ticket out of post-baccalaureate poverty (it was actually a ticket into more debt...but more on that later.) Was it all for nothing?

I don't blame my (almost) former employer for any of it. This is definitely a case of 'it's not you, it's me' (maybe 'it's them' a teeny-tiny bit...I dunno...it takes two to tango, yes?)  Are there things I wish they would have done differently? Sure. But, I also realize the immense stress they are under to serve the community...and I think they do a fantastic job (especially with the limited resources they have.) Heck, they tried to make this work for me too. I really do think the world of them.

I'm generally careful about what I post about work on social media and the like, but I HAD to get this out. I'm still questioning my decision. I'm freaking out about losing a third of my income. Maybe I should have sucked it up a bit longer...I don't know. If I never said anything, I'd still have my job. I'd still be on the path I'd always intended. It's really difficult to admit that maybe, just maybe, this isn't the right path for me (I mean, my degree really can be applied broadly - it's not like it says 'Master of working HERE, in this SPECIFIC location and field.) 

Truthfully, I never quite believe people when they say that they are 'still in love, but just can't make it work.' I mean, if you really loved someone, you would find a way to make it happen, yes? (again, perhaps this is why I'm single?) If that person was really and truly the one, wouldn't you go to the end of the earth and back again to make them happy? You would do whatever it takes to make it work, right?

...And now, here I am...still in love (I think...but I've been so, SO wrong about this before) ...but I just can't make it work. I failed again.

I will be okay eventually.

Deep down, I know this is the right thing to do.

I'm determined not to fall into the 'friends with benefits' trap.

I'm attempting to be happy with all the superficial things quitting this job/breaking up will bring (a lot more free time, a later wake-up call, more time to run, more time to spend with friends and family...the list could go on and on.) I'm sure that years from now, while I'm working at my 'actual' dream job, the proverbial light bulb in my head will switch on and I'll officially declare that the 'universe' knew what it was doing all along...

But for now, I'm sad. I'm totally wallowing. I'm sort-of-secretly hoping that this just might work out after all...I'm not ready to put the final, sad, rusty nail in the coffin just yet. I'm so, SO tempted to change my 'status' from 'in a relationship' to 'it's complicated' when, really, it's should be 'single'.

Letting go is really, really hard.

But I have to do it.

It's really not you.

It's me.

Week 1

This post is detailing my training for a fall 'race.' Seriously, this is probably boring to just about anyone but me. I just want a log of training so that I can monitor my progress and just document the experience in general. You've been warned.

Official fall training started last week - the October race feels so far out, but it will be here before I know it. All in all, last week was pretty good, but it wasn't without struggles. I had a cold a few weeks ago while it doesn't really affect me while I'm running, I lost an awful lot of fitness since I didn't run for several weeks.

Anyway, I feel stronger with each run and it feels really good to be back in the swing of things. My workouts have been so sporadic the past few months and I forgot how good I feel when I stick to regular workouts. I sleep better, I'm inclined to eat better and my moods are better (seriously, more than once last week I was all 'why the heck am I so happy right now...it's pretty sad when you question why you're in a good mood.) 

Here's a brief rundown of what I did:

Monday:      2.5 mile run
Tuesday:      2.5 mile run
Wednesday: 2.5 mile run
Thursday:     rest
Friday:         5.5 mile run
Saturday:     rest
Sunday:       2 mile walk around my childhood 'hood

Not bad for week 1, but lots of room for improvement. My 'long' run was by far the toughest, but the good news is that (a.) I finished and (b.) I knew what went wrong. There was a strong headwind for most of it, so that made the run tougher than it should have been.

I know I didn't eat nearly enough before the 'long' run. I've been really working on eating more food and eating healthier food. I was pleased with my eating last week, but I don't think I ate enough on Thursday or Friday morning and I really started to feel worn out during my 'long' run. Eating and running is a tricky business and it takes a while to work all the kinks out.

Another thing I need to work out is adding weights and cross training. I picked up a dumbbell for the first time in ages last night and I'm aiming for three days of lifting per week. I'm not looking to do a hard-core lifting routine, but I do want strong muscles because that's what will carry me through the tough miles. 

Finally, I need sleep. I've been slacking on the sleep and staying up wayyy too late. I mean, I'm naturally sleeping a bit more soundly thanks to all the working out, but I need much, much more than what I'm getting now.

I guess that's it for now. I need to look at this weeks training plan to see what I'm in for...I can't believe this is actually happening!

Without a doubt, this week has been rough - the worst I've had in quite some time. However, with the exception of narrowly avoiding a major accident on a small rural road, today has been a major turning point. (seriously - my shoulders and neck are slightly aching...I'm assuming from tensing up and bracing myself against the steering wheel while slamming on my brakes and honking my horn.) 

Anyway, I think getting back into running/training mode has a lot to do with it. I did three 2.5 mile easy runs and I'm planning to do a 5 mile run tomorrow.  I'm a bit nervous (but also excited) because it's the longest run I've done since the half last October, but overall I feel pretty good about it. 

I know I have a few things I need to work on if I want to improve - namely drinking more water, getting more sleep, not letting myself get hungry to the point of being famished. I also want to add in two days of strength training, since strong muscles are what will carry me through to the finish line. 

This is probably hella boring to anyone but me, but I really want to document this experience as much as possible and a good first week is an awesome start.

Sometimes it's Taylor Swift

Sometimes life sucks

Sometimes I can't just snap out of it

Sometimes I just need space

Sometimes a run cures everything

Sometimes a run is just a run

Sometimes it's hard to hold it together

Sometimes I just want to be totally alone

Sometimes I have to vagueblog like an angst-ridden, narcissistic teenager

Sometimes I think it's totally possible to live off doughnuts, cheesecake and key-lime pie alone

It's never okay to wear shorts that showcase your downstairs-lady-theater 

It's always okay to just be yourself, assert your boundaries and stay true to what you believe in

It's also always okay to be on team yoga pants instead of team fancy pants

 ...and that's basically where I'm at right now.

In other news, I just got back from a run - I was hoping the run would put me in a better mood...and it really didn't. But that's okay. I got in another training run, a good thing, since I'm potentially 18 weeks out from a marathon. I got to run in the rain - something that almost never happens in Southern California, much less in June. Listening to Ellie Goulding's while running in the rain is SO cathartic, even if it doesn't accomplish much.

Also, I'm hesitant to admit it, but Taylor Swift totally speaks to me as well. I was binge-hate-watching House Hunters On-Demand the other day and it's interspersed with commercials of Taylor Swift fans that think they are part of a focus group and they've missed out on Taylor Swift World Tour tickets...but as it turns out, they weren't part of a focus group and Comcast gave them tickets and backstage passes to the tour. Normally I'd roll my eyes and give a not-super-appropriate hand gesture...but (and I'm ashamed to admit this) I found myself teary-eyed and totally understanding where they were coming from...while simultaneously playing Bad Blood in my head.

Judge me all you want (because, believe me, I totally judge myself) but in the words of the wise, wise T-Swift "haters gonna hate" (y'all have no idea how much I want to add a "YO!" to that last statement.)

I have no idea why I'm posting any of this....