I'm going through a breakup...and it sucks. It reminds me of why I avoid doing crazy, emotional wall-dropping things like 'dating' in the first place.
I suppose I should clarify that I'm not breaking up with another human being (obviously...because, me? dating? HA!) but rather, with a job. And, not just any job - this was the job I thought would lead to my dream job. This was the job to end all jobs. This was the answer to every prayer. This was what was going to fix everything that was wrong in my life (this? right here? is why relationships fail.)
As it turns out, this wasn't my dream job...for a myriad of reasons. I tried to pretend that it was - I kept telling myself it would get better. It didn't. I kept telling myself that I would catch on and move up. I didn't. This was the toughest, most emotionally draining job I've ever had (clean up vomit and help someone find information about how to file for divorce in California...while helping four people ranging in age from 6-60 print documents while trying to help a toddler find their parents? AND stopping to 'bust' someone for viewing pornography? All in a day's work.) I thought it would get easier and that I'd have all the answers. I don't. These last few weeks have been awful. I tried to pretend like I was okay with what was happening and that I could work through it. I couldn't.
I gave up a lot to make this work. I can't count the number of sacrifices I made. I'm super lucky that I have a handful of close friends and family members that tolerate me (because if this was the other way around, I'd probably be all, 'peace out' ...again...this is also probably why I'm single.) I'm also super lucky that my 'non-dream-full-time-regular-job' tolerated all of this.
As I was getting ready for yet another super-long workday (not including the 2 hour commute) yesterday, I realized this wasn't working at all anymore. I realized that no amount of money would change the fact that I was unhappy and that I fell short of my own expectations. It suddenly hit me that things probably wouldn't be changing anytime soon...I would never be able to make them change....and so...it was time to say goodbye.
While I think I suck at relationships (again, obviously) I know that there's a point where you have to let go and take care of yourself. I'm still in love with the idea of this job...maybe we will get back together one day...but I know that this job, as it is now, will never lead to a happy 'marriage.' We would probably end up divorcing sooner than later...and that would be much, much worse than ending it now.
Most people are happy to leave a job that's no longer working for them. I'm fairly devastated (alright, 'fairly' probably isn't the right word...I'm devastated. Full-on devastated.) This was the job I worked so hard for. This was the job I pulled all-nighters for...while working full-time just to get the damn 'advanced' degree that is required for this job. This was the job I thought would be the golden ticket out of post-baccalaureate poverty (it was actually a ticket into more debt...but more on that later.) Was it all for nothing?
I don't blame my (almost) former employer for any of it. This is definitely a case of 'it's not you, it's me' (maybe 'it's them' a teeny-tiny bit...I dunno...it takes two to tango, yes?) Are there things I wish they would have done differently? Sure. But, I also realize the immense stress they are under to serve the community...and I think they do a fantastic job (especially with the limited resources they have.) Heck, they tried to make this work for me too. I really do think the world of them.
I'm generally careful about what I post about work on social media and the like, but I HAD to get this out. I'm still questioning my decision. I'm freaking out about losing a third of my income. Maybe I should have sucked it up a bit longer...I don't know. If I never said anything, I'd still have my job. I'd still be on the path I'd always intended. It's really difficult to admit that maybe, just maybe, this isn't the right path for me (I mean, my degree really can be applied broadly - it's not like it says 'Master of working HERE, in this SPECIFIC location and field.)
Truthfully, I never quite believe people when they say that they are 'still in love, but just can't make it work.' I mean, if you really loved someone, you would find a way to make it happen, yes? (again, perhaps this is why I'm single?) If that person was really and truly the one, wouldn't you go to the end of the earth and back again to make them happy? You would do whatever it takes to make it work, right?
...And now, here I am...still in love (I think...but I've been so, SO wrong about this before) ...but I just can't make it work. I failed again.
I will be okay eventually.
Deep down, I know this is the right thing to do.
I'm determined not to fall into the 'friends with benefits' trap.
I'm attempting to be happy with all the superficial things quitting this job/breaking up will bring (a lot more free time, a later wake-up call, more time to run, more time to spend with friends and family...the list could go on and on.) I'm sure that years from now, while I'm working at my 'actual' dream job, the proverbial light bulb in my head will switch on and I'll officially declare that the 'universe' knew what it was doing all along...
But for now, I'm sad. I'm totally wallowing. I'm sort-of-secretly hoping that this just might work out after all...I'm not ready to put the final, sad, rusty nail in the coffin just yet. I'm so, SO tempted to change my 'status' from 'in a relationship' to 'it's complicated' when, really, it's should be 'single'.
Letting go is really, really hard.
But I have to do it.
It's really not you.
It's me.
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