Posts like this are what happens when you have a Pitbull song stuck inyour head

Like many people, patience is not one of my strong points. I want things and I want them now. Obviously, this isn't how life works. It's a lesson that I have yet to fully learn.

It's funny, because I can look back on certain times/events in my life (or someone else's) and see the reason the universe (God? Jesus? Bob Saget?) made me wait or forced me to take a different path (for the record, I tend to fall somewhere between God and the universe...Bob Saget is cool, but I'm not sure I'm comfortable letting Danny Tanner direct my life choices.)

However, it's hard to see the good in situations or see the light at the end of the tunnel when you're in the midst of the shitstorm clusterfuck that is life (no auto correct, I did not mean to type "cluster duck") you start to feel like you're not destined to get anything you want and that you're going nowhere in life.

This post feels a bit dramatic right now (seriously folks, I'm good) but it's something that's on my mind tonight. I can only hope/pray/attempt to be as optimistic as possible that this will all turn out as it should in the end...in the meantime, I'll try not to drive myself too crazy...and, if that fails, there's always wine.

A different kind of March Madness

My mind is currently all over the place right now. Seriously, I feel like it's getting pulled in 45 different directions...none of them bad places to be, but it's hard to be in 45 different places at once, you know? I know life is complicated and messy and it certainly doesn't fit neatly into an organized to-do list...but I can do better than this.

Obviously, I don't update this blog much, but the last time I did back in January, I talked about how I wanted this to be a low-key, mostly goal-free year. No real resolutions or ambitious goals (unless you consider waking up every day be an ambitious goal.) It's been nice not stressing about achieving lofty goals and over-analyzing all the ways in which I'd be falling short.

However, I've found that I've become quite lazy...like, lazy beyond lazy and that's not a good place to be either. I don't want to spend my downtime working out, reading, socializing or cleaning or working on professional development. Nope, all of those things require ambition and energy, two things that are in short supply right now.

On top of being lazy, I've found that I'm also quite scattered (hence, why I have 45 different things going on in my head at any given time.) I've even been slacking on my to-do lists lately (I know, right?) At any given moment it feels like I'm doing the bare minimum to keep my head above water and instead of allowing me to relax and un-clench, it's actually causing me quite a bit of stress.

I've decided the madness stops today. The events that led me to this declaration, in order: a five minute hunt for clean yoga pants in the 4 foot tall pile of CLEAN clothes stacked against my dresser for the past week, realizing that I'm low on k-cups after I stumbled upstairs for morning coffee and last, but certainly not least, the fact that I just had to transfer $500 out of my savings account to pay bills - bills that were due today no less. I know I'll replace the $500 (and more) when I get paid this week...but still, it was painful to transfer that much and it could have been avoided if I had just planned a bit better.

It's time to stop being so ambivalent and lazy and start planning ahead a bit. I need to establish some out very loose goals. I don't need to aim for perfection, but I do want some direction (look at me, rhyming and everything...maybe I can be the next Vanilla Ice?) in my life. I may get around to posting some of the goals eventually, but honestly, they aren't that interesting and there's just the whole 'perhaps some things are better left off the interwebs' thing (perhaps this blog shouldn't exist?) 

It feels better to get all this out (even if it is just for my own personal sanity.) I was also able to cross four items off my to-do list while I was writing this blog post. Seriously, I forgot how good it could feel to check stuff off. I was also able to rearrange a few things today and I think the new order of things will make for a much less stressful, much more enjoyable day. To that end, I suppose it's time to sign off so I can get ready and meet a friend for lunch (I was actually awake at 8:00 this morning, which gave me plenty of time to lounge and relax, while still being able to leave the house by 11:00 AM. It's a spring miracle!)

My future self will probably roll my eyes at this post

I really wish I could see into the future. Will I get married? Will I ever own a home? Will I pay off my student loan? Will I ever have a non-entry-level job? Will I retire at a reasonable age? Will I accidentally get knocked up? Where will I live next? You get the picture.

Sure, I suppose it would take the element of surprise out of my life, but I'm okay with that. Maybe things wouldn't be as "fun" but to be honest, I don't think being in a constant state of flux is ever fun. Take dating, for example. A lot of people enjoy the "thrill of the chase." Personally, I've always hated it. I hate being all "OMGwhatdoesthismean!!??" over every little thing (which, is probably why I'm single.) Anyway, not that I think dating should be a business-like transaction, and I'm certainly not looking for anyone to put a ring on it (did I really just say that?) right away (because that would be weird.) but it would be nice knowing, for once, if something has a chance of going somewhere or if it's a dead-end and I should turn and run as fast as I can in the other direction.

The funny thing is (and maybe I've blogged about it before?) I'm not much of a day-to-day planner. I like having some sort of structure (and God knows I LOVE my lists) but, like, knowing I have to meet someone at 9:30 am for something is enough to send me into panic mode and make me not sleep at night. I get stabby if people I'm traveling with want a firm itinerary (why can't we just wait and see how we feel before we decide to go to place X at such and such a time?) 

And, it's not just the insignificant things like traveling - life happens and sometimes planning stuff doesn't work. There are months and years where life keeps throwing one curve ball after another and they can derail the most solid of plans. I mean, it's great that I want to be married and retire early and travel a bit...but that may not happen and I need to be okay with that. In the words of Jack Johnson, "In times like these and in times like those, what will be will be, and so it goes."

This post is probably full of contradictions...but it's just been on my mind lately. Maybe I just need to learn to relax a little (or, maybe I need to be more of a planner.) I'm smart enough to know that life is complicated and never going to be perfect. I'm also smart enough to know that things may not happen the way I want them to, but may end up being just as good.

Maybe I just need to be patient? Maybe I want too much too soon and that's just not what the universe has in store for me. I have no idea. I'm sure I'll look back on this stage of my life one day and wonder why I was so worried/uptight/frustrated. The months and years are flying by, so it should be a big deal if it takes a few more years to get where I want to be. I suppose now would be an excellent time to learn the art of contentment and stop comparing myself to others (and where I think I should be, rather than where I actually am)