Sucking at Life

So, apparently I fell off the face of the earth. I dunno - I just haven't felt up to writing lately. I get home after 10 hours of work and two hours of commuting and I just can't. I knew this would happen eventually...the blog is always the first thing to get neglected. The only reason I'm writing right now is because I've had a very low key day and I have the day off tomorrow too (two days off in a row is a rarity for me right now and two days off where I'm not traveling to LA is an even bigger rarity.) While it's been nice to have a bit of down time (and the house totally to myself) I'd rather be with my family right now. I haven't been able to see them in nearly a year. Anyway, the big storm we had turned my plans upside down, so, here I am.

I'm going to do a super-quick miscellany post. I hope I find the humor in all the suck that has defined this week.

• A rock hit my windshield on Monday - no big deal, happens all the time. Only this time? It was a slightly bigger deal. I was driving to work on Tuesday and was all "why is there a pine needle on my windshield? There are no pine trees around here." Just as I had that thought, I realized it was cracked. The crack has been growing all week long and while I initially freaked out over it, it's not a huge deal - it's not shattered or anything. However, I drive a lot and really can't risk it (that and a family member had a really scary accident this week and the one thing that probably saved them was having a sturdy car with everything in good condition.) One funny thing? I swear the crack got bigger when I blasted Guns n' Roses on the drive home Friday (I was angry and needed some good 80s music I could yell to.) 

• I'm thankful for comprehensive insurance that will cover most of the cost of replacing said windshield.

• California had its version of 'storm of the century' on Thursday and while normally I'm all over rain and stormy weather, I'm bitter about it. Not only did it shut down train service, derailing (pun intended) plans to see my family, but it fried my computer. I was stupid and had my almost new desktop on before the storm hit (but it was a bit windy) and I'm pretty sure I killed it. It was plugged into a surge protector, and everything else is working fine now, but the computer won't turn on. I'm not sure if I should have someone look at it, or if I should just get a new one. I know, I know, turning off electronics is like, 'storm 101' but we really haven't had a storm here in years and it's just never been an issue. I wasn't even thinking (obviously) and now I feel like a douche. A really unintelligent douche.

• Thankfully, not long after we purchased the desktop, Best Buy had an incredible deal on laptops, so I bought one to have while traveling or as a backup while working from home (and, surfing the interwebs from bed.) I was initially hesitant to purchase the laptop (it just felt so indulgent) but I'm glad I did (my old laptop was 6 years old and only worked with the cord plugged in...but the cord was sensitive and if the cord was bumped/moved, the whole computer shut down.) I'll be working from home a lot the next few weeks and I need a computer.

• I was totally caught of guard by something major being launched from NASA/the base. Sometimes I forget that I live less than 10 miles from a launch pad. Luckily, I realized what was happening pretty quickly (because earthquakes don't make noise like that) but it was still unpleasant at first. Luckily, I recovered and made it outside with my phone to take a few pictures before it faded out of sight. While I don't love the noise and shaking (it's not just the windows that shake, it's the whole house - it really feels like an earthquake.) it's still pretty awesome to experience it - not many people do.

• I made rosemary sea salt almonds today and they're heavenly

• I also made Bora Bora meatballs for the first time and they were pretty tasty, I'd make them again for sure, but next time I'm adding more jalapeno and cayenne. I'm going to do Asian-inspired meatballs tomorrow (what can I say? I'm in a 'ball' phase.) 

• Normally I bake like a mad woman this time of year, but I'm just not feeling it. I've been having a rough go of things this holiday season and am feeling very 'bah humbug'. I may break down tomorrow and bake a few things, but meh.

• I'm not sure what was in the water at the gym today, but people were failing at gym etiquette. Like, if there are 500 empty machines, WHY ARE YOU GETTING ON THE ONE NEXT TO ME??!! It's not like something really awesome was on one of the TVs that she had to be on that particular machine for (I'm pretty sure it was a re-run of Law&Order) The creepiest part? She literally changed machines and got onto mine two minutes after I got off. It was so, so weird. Then, another woman hovered over me as I was on the hip abductor machine. It's not like I was was sitting there chatting or extensively resting between sets. I finally got so annoyed that I decided to take my sweet time in finishing up (and live-tweeting my annoyance.) Again, there are a ton of empty machines, why do you need this one RIGHT THIS SECOND? One day I'll learn to not be so passive aggressive. Today was not that day.

Carcass mobile, part two

So, we left off with me not thinking much of the fact that I'd hit a few small animals...I'm not sure of an eloquent way to start this, so here I go (also, I went wine tasting at two different establishments this afternoon and on a scale of 1-10, with 1 being LDS, stone-cold sober, and a 10 being in the SB County Sheriff 'drunk-wagon,' I'm at a solid 6.5...don't worry, I was not the DD today!) 

Anyway, I was a pretty good kid in high school...Yes I drank here and there, and may have been high a few times (can I admit that in the internets?) but for the most part, I volunteered to be the DD and didn't get into much trouble. I suspect it's because my parents were (in hindsight) extraordinarily lenient, and I didn't feel the need to abuse that. Honestly? More than anything, my mouth and my attitude got me into more trouble than anything else (I've even had grades lowered because of it...it takes a lot for me to get fired up and speak my mind...but it does happen.) 

So, while my parents didn't have a whole lot of rules, one of the few rules they did have was 'curfew.' I have to say that as an adult, I totally, totally get it. I we lived 25 miles from where I worked and went to school and the roads home were rural, dark and somewhat curvy at times...I'm shocked I was allowed to drive it after dark at all (I actually lived with my uncle three or four days a week to avoid having to drive so much.) I loathed the curfew and it was one of the few times I ever got into a major argument with my dad (what can I say, I was a 'daddy's girl' to the core.) 

Sometime in October of senior year (I used to know the exact date, but I fail to remember it now...I'm sure one call to Allstate Insurance would solve it, but I don't care that much) my parents were in LA...for whatever reason and they left me home for the weekend to work/do school stuff, and take care of Obo, our half-doberman, half black lab (and wimpy as hell) dog (I really miss him though...bless his heart, minus the time he tried to violate me before he was fixed...and that's a whole other 'story,' he was an awesome dog that put up with a lot of torture from a young child.) 

Friday night was the first night my parents were out of town...it also happened to be a night where a friend's-boyfriend's friend's parents were out of town (and they were older and obviously super awesome to hang out with high school seniors...) and I basically lived it up until four in the morning. Granted, I don't think I drank (or did anything else) that night, but the poor dog had to wait a really long time to get fed...But I had to stay out late because....well, FUN AND FRIENDS AND NOBODY TO CHECK UP ON ME. I felt horrible, not only because Obo was alone all night, but also because I broke one of the few rules I had.

Saturday night rolled around and the same thing happened - my parents were out of town, the random friend's parents were out of town and the same antics started up. Only, this time I felt really guilty and didn't want to make Obo wait that long for dinner again. I rationalized that since my curfew was 11:30 pm and I stayed out much, much later than that on Friday night, going home at 8:00 pm on Saturday would help balance everything out and I would still be the 'brilliant, loving, angel of a child' who was always home by curfew (ha!) 

I bid 'goodbye' to my friends and left a 'party' to drive the 25 miles home to feed my dog and get some rest before I had to be to work the next morning....See?! I totally was the 'best child to ever walk the face of the earth' and my parents were so, so lucky to have such a rule-abiding daughter...

I merged onto Highway 101 (because HWY 246 had been washed out in a storm the year prior and I had to drive on HWY 101 to get to HWY 1 and get home.) I cranked up my Christina Aguilara (whatever, it was 1999 when boy bands, Britney and Christina reigned supreme) and proceeded to drive home. I was not at all prepared for what came next.

Until next time...

Carcass mobile, part one

Carcass Mobile - let's start from the beginning, shall we? When I first got my license (literally as soon as I walked into the front door after taking my test) my dad handed me a set of keys to my parent's 1986 Toyota Camry. Sure, it wasn't a brand-new shiny car, but I was so excited to have anything that I didn't care. I honestly loved that car to death and was beyond grateful to have anything at all. 

The only problem? With over 200,000 miles, the car was a bit past it's prime. It was fine for the rest of the school year, but by summer, I was having to dump at quart of oil into it every day and pull over about every 10 miles or so, because it would overheat. When the school year rolled around and the weather changed, I had a new problem on my hands...my car wouldn't start when it was too cold. By winter, my parents decided that enough was enough and the car was no longer safe to drive.

I was pretty devastated, as that car had been a part of my life since I was four years old (I mean, I can still remember the time I puked strawberry milkshake all over the back seat on the way to Santa Barbara...the blue upholstery really set off the pink of the strawberries...all I can say is my poor parents...and my aunt and sister who were also in the car.) My parents bought the car brand new when we still lived in LA - we took dozens and dozens of trips to San Diego and Santa Ynez in it. I learned to drive in that car. I took my first solo road trip to LA in that car. I was attached to say the least.

Luckily, I didn't have to go without a car (seriously, I consider myself a super-lucky 16 year old.) We moved to Lompoc at that point, but I was still going to school in Santa Ynez and worked in Solvang - my parents agreed that a car was pretty necessary (and they certainly didn't want to haul me around.) However, my parents didn't have a ton of money, so what happened next was pretty amazing.

As it turned out, my dad bought some kind of raffle ticket at work a few weeks prior and ended up winning a Sea-Doo (seriously? I can think of 1,345 names that are better than that, but, whatever.) We really didn't have a use for it, so my dad ended up trading it in. He also happened to work at a car dealership at the time and someone traded in a slightly-used 1998 Nissan Sentra. The down payment was taken care of and the payments were low...so my parents bought it. 

The deal was, it wasn't "my car" it was my parent's car, but I had free-reign to use it, as long as I paid for my own gas and I didn't have any tickets/accidents/etc (which, at the time I thought was grossly unfair - my sister had lots of 'incidents' and the Celica was never taken away from her...) The car wasn't my first choice, but I was stoked that I didn't have to go without. Honestly? The only real 'problem' with the car was the color. It was this greyish-purple-blue-silver...which, doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things, but I still missed my cobalt blue Camry.

Anyway, I quickly adjusted to "my" snappy new car (and even named it Billy Oliva...dude...I don't even know.) and after just a few trips realized how nice it was to have a car that started in any kind of weather and that didn't require me lifting the hood every day. The trunk was roomy enough to fit a few people (a necessity when you are sneaking people off campus for lunch) and it got great gas mileage (also a necessity when you are young and under-employed.) 

Not long after I had it, I hit a skunk. Obviously, it didn't do any damage to my car, but the smell lingered for days. Driving in the car was torturous and it was probably one of the few times I wasn't harassed for rides after school (seriously, you could smell it in the high school parking lot....it was bad...it took three days for the smell to die down, and I don't know how long for it to go away completely) A month or two after the skunk incident, I ran over a snake when I was driving on the freeway with my friend. I remember it being a very random and "WTF" moment. But, again, no damage and I didn't think anything of it.

Eventually, senior year rolled around and that's when the carcass-ing really began....

Until next time, my friends!

Day 29? Sort of? If you can pick it out from all of my whining...

I really, really need to stop over-scheduling myself. Or maybe I need to stop coming up with grand, over-the-top ideas that take hours upon hours (and $$$) to execute (I'm lookin' at you book trees!) Everything I've 'over scheduled' is all supposed to be fun stuff. I suppose it's the neurotic side of me coming out, but it's hard to have fun when all I can think about is how disorganized my closet currently is (yes, typing that out made it feel even more ridiculous than just thinking it.) I guess it will all just have to wait until December.

I'm guessing if I really looked at my schedule, I could find lots of extra time (It's amazing how a I can get sucked into playing Candy Crush on my old phone, new phone and kindle fire...or looking at one of my online forums or blogs I follow) However, I think the 'bigger picture' thing going on right now is that I spent months looking forward to my three day weekend and not only has it flown by, but what was supposed to be a happy time of relaxing and catching up with friends (at least I'll accomplish the 'friends' part tonight) has actually been kind of sad (this part has nothing to do with a messy closet) ...yet frantic with all the things I'm trying to accomplish.

I can't believe I'm going to publish this post of me whining about my first-world, self-induced problems, but it's just something I needed to get out. Maybe I can read this post next year and learn to take it easy and maybe not be such a perfectionist about things. Life will be okay if my bed looks a little shabby today or if my closet remains in a semi-organized state of chaos for another couple of weeks. I can still be happy, even if I'm not getting what I want right now (I know there has to be a bigger reason for it that's not obvious to me right now.)

I had no idea I was a perfectionist until a few years ago (because I've always associated being a perfectionist with having straight As and lots of money in savings, the perfect body and a perfectly clean house filled with 2.3 kids, etc.) until someone pointed it out to me. But the truth is, I think I'm way too hard on myself sometimes for not living up to my own expectations of how something should be. The funny part is I don't put these expectations on others, just myself. I would never judge someone else the way I judge myself.

On a happier note, despite the royal pain-in-the-ass they've become, the book trees are actually turning out to be pretty awesome - I know it will perk up the library a bit and that will make it all totally worth it in the end. I've never thought of myself as creative or crafty, but the library is bringing that side of me out. Before the library, the only thing I could really do was 'sew with supervision' meaning, I need my wonderfully talented mother there to fix all my mistakes and show me how to do things. Now I can take a craft tutorial and go my own way with it and troubleshoot it on my own, and that's pretty awesome.

Day 26

I'm not sure when my obsession with the Food Network first started - I remember it coming on the air in middle school and being all "why is this on tv...who wants to cook?!" Somehow, by the time college rolled around, I was a full-fledged HGTV and Food Network junkie. I didn't have cable throughout most of my 20s, yet every time I visited my mom, I'd cram in hours upon hours of Trading Spaces and Barefoot Contessa (with some Tyler Florence thrown in for good measure...because he's kind of hot.) Barefoot Contessa is still one of my favorite shows to date (love the cookbooks as well) and I worship at the alter of Ina Garten (I'm pretty sure my mom's head wants to explode each time I say "Ina says...or Ina does it this way") 

I love cooking and baking. I don't always have the time to do it, but there's something so cathartic about chopping things and finding new ways to make a recipe work better. I'm not the best in the kitchen, but I love experimenting (the chocolate peanut butter cream pie I made last night is a combination of three recipes and some of my own improvisations.) One thing I've learned over the years is that the right tools make all the difference (next on my list? A decent chef's knife...preferably a Wusthof.) Baking was always difficult because I didn't own a mixer and some things require more than just elbow grease and a spoon.

If you've ever watched the Food Network for more than five minutes, you know that a Kitchen Aid stand mixer is a major fixture on just about every show. I'm not sure why, but I became obsessed with owning one. No other mixer would do. It was Kitchen Aid or nothing at all. It's all I ever wanted in my late teens/early 20s. Heck, I'd practically go and pet them each time I went to a department store and I fantasized about the colors and the different attachments. The only problem? It was way, way out of my price range and my mom certainly couldn't afford to get me one (bless her heart, I really don't know how she made ends meet after my Dad passed away...she sacrificed a lot for me to have what I have.) 

Every holiday season, there is some kind of 'black Friday' deal, but they're usually limited in quantity and still expensive as hell. Somewhere in the late 2000s, my mom came close to getting one for me, but by the time she got a cart and went back, they were gone (I really wished she hadn't told me this at the time...it sucked that something was so close to happening, but didn't.) However, I continued to be patient and told myself that it would happen eventually (you know, once I won the lottery/married rich, etc...none of which have happened to date.) 

Then, one rainy December day in 2009, I got a text from my sister in Virginia. She discovered that Lowe's had them on sale for $139 (which, is unprecedented....they are usually over $200 for the basic model.) I was at work, but took a quick break and went online...low and behold, the Lowe's in Canoga Park had four available for pick up. I typed in my credit card number as fast as I could and reserved one to pick up on my lunch break (I don't fully recall, but I'm guessing I was beyond giddy and in awe. Nothing could ruin that day.) 

I waited until Christmas to actually open it and use it and it was everything I thought it would be and more. I even named her and her name is "Bess" (I don't know why...) She's helped me make everything from meatballs. compound butters and pizza dough, to cakes, cookies, whipped cream and crumble toppings.  I don't get a chance to use her as much as I would like to these days, but every time I do, I'm reminded of how much I love it (her?) and how I'm so, so glad I waited. I can tell you from experience, no hand-held or stand mixer even comes close.

I just have the basic model, but it does everything I need it to do (although, you wouldn't hear me complain if I got the ice cream maker, juicer or meat grinder attachments.) I just used her last night to make chocolate peanut butter cream pie and the crumble topping for my baked french toast. She's so pretty when she just sits on the counter, but she's freaking beautiful when she's in action (um..I think I probably need to take a step back and re-evaluate my love for her, because it currently sounds creepy and perverted and like I need some 'alone time' with her.) But seriously, I can't picture a kitchen without her. She allows me to be more creative when I cook and the possibilities are endless - I no longer feel limited in what I can bake.

I may never be Ina Garten (because, you know, I'd have to be a millionaire with a homes in the Hamptons, NYC and Paris...and have a loving, doting husband) but I do feel like this mixer brought me one step closer.

Here she is about ready to make the crumble topping...also, please note, that's real butter in there (it's super-yellow because it's grass-fed) and not margarine (my feeling of superiority/smugness on this is quite douchey and I judge myself right now)

After about 20 seconds, the cold butter was the size of peas and the crumble topping was ready to go (this would take several minutes if I used a pastry cutter.)  I just ate it this morning and it was glorious - quite possibly my best crumble topping yet...not that it's rocket science or anything though.

**I'm working backwards on WrAbCrThFo - this really could have been posted yesterday. I'm still determined to finish this.

Happy Thanksgiving/Day 27

I tried to post six different times last night, but nothing felt right. When I started this blog, I wanted it to be an outlet and a place to just write about my life - the funny and important stories both past and present. What I didn't want it to be was a 'dear diary' journal and I certainly didn't want it to be a log of all of my problems/issues. Nobody needs to read about that - not even me. Yes, I'm in a funk right now, but I don't really want to plaster it all over the internet (beyond what I've already posted.)

I think we can all agree that I'm not exactly a 'ray of sunshine' and I tend to be on the 'glass is half-empty' side of things. I don't always think it's a bad thing (because it's really awesome when something works out better than you originally planned and you're not as disappointed when something turns out the way you think it will) but I hate how negative I've been lately and I certainly don't want to pass that along to others.

I also feel bad because I feel like I've withdrawn a bit lately and I know it has an affect on the people around me. A bad mood is like herpes - it spreads quickly and is hard make it go away (is there a cure for herpes? I'm too lazy to google it.) All I can do at this point is keep plugging away at trying to be a happier, healthier, more spiritual and giving person. Luckily, most of my friends aren't like me, so I can look to them for guidance, advice and cues. You know you have the right people in your life when they bring out the best in you and want nothing but good things for you (how many times can I use 'you' in a sentence? Three, apparently.)

I wasn't intending on this being a WrAbCrThFo post (although, it is Thanksgiving, so it should have been a priority.) But I have to say how grateful I am for my close friends. I'm not going to list them here or post about each one (it would take days) but I'm so grateful that I found a group that is kind, giving, hysterical and accepts me for who I am - lack of sunshine and all (they're mostly super-outgoing optimistic people...how I fit in, I'll never know.) I think we all balance each other out pretty well though. It's hard to find people you can trust and truly bond with, but it's not an issue with this group. So often, I hear about people having friend drama and I just can't relate. It really doesn't exist here and I can't tell you how happy that makes me.

This post turned out much different than I expected and thank God I never hit 'publish' last night. I know I'll be fine, everyone has ups and downs, highs and lows...I just happen to be a little low right now. I hope that there's nowhere to go but up. There have been so many times when I've looked back on my life and realized the reason why something didn't happen the way I thought it should (and the end result is usually much better than what I hoped for.)  It just takes time and is rarely evident right away. Hopefully, next Thanksgiving, I can look back on the year and be thankful for what I'm going through right now. Life can change a lot (for the better) in a year and I'm hoping that's the case with me.

PS - my new phrase? "I'm not crying, my eyes are involuntarily leaking" I hate that I'm a crier. It sucks (and can be embarrassing...have you ever cried while watching 'Home Alone'? No? Consider yourself lucky) Also, I just want to set the record straight - Preparation H does nothing to help reduce eye swelling after crying (I got that little tidbit of advice, to use it, at my Dad's funeral.) Not only does it not reduce eye-swelling, but you have to actually go through the embarrassment of buying inflamed-ass-cream. Not worth it, dude (but I'm open to other advice.)

Day 23?

Today I am thankful for sour beer. It's quite possibly the most awesome thing I have ever put in my mouth (yes, I'm aware of how that sounds...I don't care, it's totally true.)

I've got 99 problems, but lack of glitter spray paint isn't one

I've been debating all day about taking down my last post...It just felt like a lot to put out there. It's such a personal thing. I think I will leave it up, at least for now. The main reason? I really do feel like some of the weight was lifted, simply by writing it (ridiculous as it may sound) and, for the most part, anyone reading this already is aware of that aspect of my life. I know it will probably be at least a few days or weeks before I feel normal (whatever that means) again - and that's ok (I mean, really, it has to be.)

I also have to remember that while this hasn't been the worst year of my life (that would go to 2001 and 2011, respectively...hopefully 2021 doesn't suck) it's been tough. I'm not about to write about my family on here (it's totally one thing to write about my issues...but I just can't go there) but it's been a year of loss and transition. Maybe it's just all just finally hitting me now (I have no idea.) Whatever the case, it's a good lesson to take care of myself.

Anyway, enough of the dark stuff - time to move on to something a little lighter...which means it's time for a random post full of bullet points!

• I tweeted this morning about the fact that 1-800-contacts was nearly twice the price as Costco. I didn't include their twitter handle, nor did I include any hashtags. Yet, a few minutes later, they responded...awkward. It's good to know the company can afford to have staff trolling the internet for any mentions. I have yet to respond to them, but I'm guessing they aren't going to slash their prices in half to satisfy one customer, so Costco it is (I really do recommend Costco for contacts and glasses - I've bought God knows how many pairs of glasses and boxes of contacts over the last 13 years and they've by far been the best.) Unfortunately, I'm on my last pair of contacts, so I'm restricting myself to glasses for the time being (I even wore them to the gym today. It would never fly running, but for the elliptical and weights? they're ok.)

• Speaking of running, tomorrow is the six week mark since I injured myself during the half. I feel fine in my day-to-day activities and while doing low impact exercise, but I still can't run and I've been noticing a "tweaky" feeling in my ankle when I'm not wearing a compression sleeve. It almost feels like a rubber band is floating around in there. I'm not really sure what to do at this point, but it might be time to see a physical therapist to make sure everything is really ok. I miss running so much and I really want to get back out there.

• I'm going to start a pretty big Christmas display for the library, so I went to Michael's after work and bought two more cans of glitter spray paint. I now have four cans of glitter spray paint in my possession and I can't WAIT to go crazy with it! I'm also wondering if the manager on duty at Michael's recognizes me yet, because this is the fourth time in a month that I've bought spray paint (and he's always the one that unlocks the case.) VIVA LA SPRAY PAINT!

(my mad photography skills are making another appearance on the blog)

• I also went a little nuts buying Christmas-scented (is there such a thing?) stuff. I LOVE the Christmas tree/fresh balsam smell and usually stock up after Christmas so that I can enjoy it year-round. I even put a sachet in my car...not sure if that was a good idea since I just put a pina colada freshener and a Febreeze one in there last week (what? I just want my car to smell nice. But, yes, I may have taken it a little too far.) 

(I really need to dust...though it's one of my least-favorite cleaning tasks)

• I'm excited to have the day off tomorrow. I'm not sure what's going on and I purposely didn't make concrete plans just in case I want to lay low and take it easy (this will probably be the case.) Next weekend will likely be pretty packed, so it might be good to take it easy.

• Gluten free stuffing from Trader Joe's is actually good. I did a test-run tonight to make sure I'd be okay eating it (we NEVER eat stuffing from a box, so this is new territory) on Thanksgiving. We added bacon, butter, celery and onions (let's be honest, bacon..and butter make everything better.) I'll admit, it needed a little something, but I think adding a little sage will do the trick. I went back for thirds (a miracle, since my appetite pretty much disappeared this past week.) 

Snowflakery

One of my favorite phrases in the entire world is "Special Snowflake" Seriously. I use it all the time (at least once a day) and almost nothing warms my heart more than when I hear other people start to use it as well (this also applies to other terms and phrases like 'stabby' and 'what the actual fuck') 

Anyway, while I wouldn't use 'special snowflake' to describe myself yesterday, I would say I was having a 'sensitive snowflake' day. I can't find an official definition (because, you know, urban dictionary is the final authority) but I guess I would say it's when everything is "OMG this is the worst possible thing that could happen" applies to everything. Like, you put spilling your coffee on the same emotional plane as having to put your beloved cat down. The problem is, I seem to be having a lot more of those days lately and it's really starting to affect me.

I have yet to talk about depression on here - and I'm kind of wondering if I really should, because I just don't know if I want it living on the interwebs forever (the internets never forget!) It's probably bound to come out eventually and anyone who knows me well knows most of it...so I may as well just write about it (I love how I'm writing an internal argument with myself on my blog.) 

I won't go into all the details here (it would be several long blog posts) but I will say that when these episodes start happen, it always catches me off guard...because there doesn't seem to be a real, solid reason why it's happening (like, life is going good, there's no reason for this.)  Also, it's like I know in my head that I'm being overly sensitive and ridiculous about everything and that everything that's happening is just a normal part of life...but I just can't get stop the tears...or the need to remove myself from everyone for a bit. I hate it. I really do. Then, to top everything off, there's the feeling of guilt depression brings - people in the world have it much, much worse than I do, yet I'm sitting here, crying over nothing (also, I have a lot of difficulty sleeping when depression kicks in.)

In all honesty, most of the time I manage depression pretty well (though, I think I've been slacking lately.) I take medication (although, now that I think about it, I've been pretty hit-or-miss with it this month) I work out (less so recently with the injury) and I try to keep toxic people/things out of my life (thankfully, I have a group of really amazing friends who make my life really easy in this regard. Seriously, I can't say enough great things about them.) It's hard to talk about because I think people who have never experienced it quite literally think 'it's all in our heads' and 'we have the power to turn it around.' Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way (if only it did!) 

I hope today is a better day - just writing this out made me see that I haven't been taking care of myself recently (slacking with medication, exercise, overdoing it with work/social activities.) I can't believe I'm about to hit 'publish' on this...but I just needed to get it out. I know I will be okay and everything will work out the way it's supposed to in the end. I actually just feel like a bit of weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

Hopefully I can follow this up with some fun/funny stuff, because this has been a drag lately (and I'm sure everyone is on the edge of their seats for the 'carcass mobile' post...which reminds me, I need to find pictures.) I also am determined to finish my WrAbCrThFo series - better late than never! (I guess it's now obvious as to why I haven't been keeping up...well, that and the fact that I really am busy at the moment.)

There really isn't an eloquent, articulate way to end this post...so...um, the end.

Day 20

I'm thankful for quiet, uneventful evenings at the library - the evenings when everyone is behaving, nobody is going apoplectic over a computer or broken printer, nobody is trying to take RFID tags off, and effectively trying to steal items. The evenings when the plumbing works. The evenings when nobody is yelling at me and people tolerate each other in general. These are the evenings I live for, when I'm reminded of why I wanted to work here in the first place.

Honestly, I'm thankful for every day I get there, but it's without a doubt the toughest job I've EVER had. There are times when I just feel beat down...I think people forget that we are human too. I rarely ever take it personally, but when it happens day after day, it's hard to ignore. I spent months hoping it would get easier...it has and it hasn't.

Contrary to popular belief, library life is chaotic and no two days are ever the same - almost nothing feels routine. You're really at the mercy of the community and sometimes it feels like we are barely keeping our heads above water. Yet, sometimes I walk the stacks and wonder how I got so lucky and I find myself saying that I work at the coolest place in the world...sometimes I'm amazed I get a paycheck for it.

I don't know what my future holds and I have a lot to learn, but I'm thankful that this has been part of the experience.

That time when...

My friend posted something on my Facebook timeline tonight about that time I hit a deer in high school and the 'carcass mobile' - the name affectionately given to my car after hitting nearly a dozen friggin animals in the thing...seriously....no really, I'm not joking...birds, squirrels, a skunk (that was baaaaddd!!) and even a snake.

I think I'm going to start writing about all the funny/awkward/weird things that have happened to me, because, why not? It's fun to look back on these things (most of the time...) Although, I'm not going to start tonight (I'm trying to go to sleep and staying on the computer doesn't really lend itself to sleep.) I'm not sure why I felt the need to post this...more than anything, this is a reminder to myself to actually write about it at some point.

Seriously, y'all, I have so much going on in my head, and not enough time to get it out on the keyboard (of course, spending hours catching up on blogs and forums that I'm too embarrassed to actually admit to reading isn't the most productive use of my time....seriously it's embarrassing...and no, it's not porn or anything weird...it's more nerdy than anything else :) ) I have to remember that I've only had this blog for a month (amazing that I've actually kept it up, even if it's not the highest quality...major props if anyone is actually reading this...I will buy you a pet unicorn as a reward if you are) and it's going to take time for everything to make its way on here.

On a side note, I'm tempted to drive to downtown LA right now (remind me to tell you about the times I had to drive there for work and once managed to park in a $30 per hour garage on accident) and eat here ...because everyone needs to eat a salty pimp in their lifetime (seriously, this place looks amazing.)

Day 14

My motto the past two days? "big hair, don't care." I've spent my entire life working against my natural hair. I have naturally wavy/curly hair. I know, I know, most people would love to have my problem (grass is always greener and all that jazz) but I've never been a huge fan of my curls...they are unruly (to put it kindly) and because I have really super-baby-fine hair and a lot of it...it's hard to control...and it gets big...quickly. My hair was so 'large' in my first drivers license photo, that it's off the box (by a lot....you can be sure that I've flat-ironed the everloving shit out of it for every formal photo since then.)

I've spent much of my teen and adult life plastering my hair back in a ponytail or trying to tame it in to submission with a flat iron and lots (and I do mean lots) of anti-frizz/smoothing serum. Occasionally, I'll 'go curly' but that also entails lots of gels and products to make it (mostly) behave. Since I have so darn much of it, it takes forever to do anything with it (every stylist makes a big deal about how long it takes to blowdry) and so I usually don't.

However the past few days I've been 'letting it go' - no flatirons, curling irons, curl products (I am still using some product in it because it would be downright frightening if I didn't, but I've been using much less than normal) I've even been resisting putting it in a ponytail top knot (however, I think I'm so used to doing it, that it's just automatic.) My hair is finally long enough to kind of pull the look off and shockingly I don't hate it.

Which, brings me to this - I'm actually glad that I have curly, unruly hair (ok, maybe not the unruly) it's fun to change things up and have options. I should probably take advantage of it more often. It's nice to just 'go natural.' I don't normally consider myself high-maintenance girl...I mean, I do wear makeup and sort of do my hair, but the less time I spend on it the better. This method allows me to sleep more in the mornings. I'm not sure how long I'll keep up my 'big hair, don't care' deal, but I think I might throw it into the mix more often.

One of my favorite shows of all time is Sex in the City (sorry I'm not sorry) and in the Season 2 finale, when Carrie debates going to Big's engagement party, there's a part where all the women were talking about curly-haired girls and how we are harder to tame/understand...I've always loved that scene (I'm thinking my curly hair isn't what's deterring me from a relationship, but if it's good enough for Carrie Bradshaw, it's good enough for me.) I think many people can relate to hating the way they look (or a part of it anyway,) and my hair is one of the things I always pick apart (right behind my weight and smile) and the more I can accept everything about myself, the better.

Behind...again

Another day and another missed thankfulness post...the good news is that today was a much better day than yesterday (despite discovering my leg isn't ready to run and my little jaunt today seems to have agrivated it quite a bit) and I have many, many things I'm thankful for and happy about. I'm ready to write them now, but I know I won't fall asleep if I turn on the computer. I'm really trying to get more rest (because it turns out that I function better and am much more pleasant to be around...go figure!) so it can wait a few days.

The picture below has nothing to do with this post, but the word "loin" makes me laugh...even more so when it's on a fancy bottle of wine.)

Day 12

I'm not going to lie - I'm feeling very blah...In other words, I'm having a bad day. Nothing serious, just a bunch of little things that kept adding up, making me increasingly more annoyed as the day continued on. I really didn't want to write a post, and I'm not feeling thankful for much of anything right at this very moment. However, I'm already behind on this project and for the love of God, I have two jobs, a roof over my head and more material possessions than one person needs...surely I can come up with something, right?

I said a few of these posts may end up being about my undying love of yoga pants and gummy bears...but it just doesn't feel right to me at the moment. It hit me as I spilled a basket of tomatoes on the kitchen floor this evening (which, felt tragic to me today...sad, but true.) It's so easy to find things to be thankful for when everything in life is going well...it's much more difficult when you're having a rough day or going through a rough patch in general.

Sometimes, we can thank God  (or Jesus, or Taco Cat or whatever it is you may believe in.) when the bad parts of life teach us a valuable lesson. But, what do you say, especially if you're not really learning a lesson or getting anything out of it? "Dear God, I'm so thankful I almost got into an accident this morning because some douche decided he couldn't wait to change lanes" or "Thank you Jesus, I managed to forget my debit card at home today!" No. Just no.

I have to admit, it felt good to get that rant out! As for what I'm actually thankful for today? I'm thankful that I work at the library and can easily check out anything my heart desires whenever I need to. I needed to get some books (non-fiction) for a project/thing I'm working on and it's so nice to just be at the library already. It makes things easy-peasy. Of course, I have much larger things to be thankful for at the library, but it was one of the few things that actually made me smile today. So there you have it.

Day...11

I'm thankful for sleep, in my own bed, in my dark room. I don't remember falling asleep last night (I didn't even brush my teeth...gross, but true - I fell asleep before I could.) I could actually sleep for several more hours, but I'm forcing myself to get up and get coffee.

I might go to the gym today, but I think my main plans include laundry and lounging.  (Probably don't need to include this photo, but whatever...) 

Home sweet home?

Finally back home after what feels like forever (I was traveling/house sitting for much of October.) While I'm happy that life will go back to normal (whatever that is) I have to admit I'm feeling kind of 'lost' at the moment. From the half marathon to the traveling, I feel like the past few months have been packed...and now? Nothing. Zero. Nada (well, work, but that's about it.)

I'm hoping we still get to do our almost-annual mini-Palm Springs vacation in the spring, but it may not happen this year with all the scheduling conflicts (plus, while I adore Palm Springs, I'm thinking I would like to do something on a grander scale. ) I feel like I need to plan/look forward to something though. 

I remember when I finished the marathon a few years ago, I was super emotional; partly because I actually finished and partly because it was over -all the planning and training was done and I just felt lost in general..like, what on earth do I do next (there's more to the story, I'm just not ready to tell it yet.) There was a huge void that I struggled to fill.

I tend to be a free-spirit (at least in terms of hard-core planning) but while I don't need all the details of my life planned out, I'm finding that I need something to grasp on to. What that is, I have no idea yet - now would probably be a good time to start thinking about it. 

I feel like I'm having an 'eat, pray, love' attitude, and it's really not that deep yet...more than anything I'm tired and missing my sister. 

Post travel blues - not only do you have to unpack your stuff, but you also have to   deal with the 'baggage' you brought home with you.

Day 8

Today was a wonderful, emotional day. I'm so happy for my sister - I wish my Dad could have been here to see it (and I guess, depending on what you believe, he was.) I think I did a great job of holding it together all day, but the speech is where I started to lose it a little.

My sister...I don't know where to begin...she is my only surviving blood relative on my dad's side of the family and even though we live far apart and there is a bit of an age difference between us, there will always be this unspoken bond between us. It's probably the kind of bond that only siblings understand.

As I mentioned in the last blog post, I was having trouble coming up with a speech for the toast...but I seem to work well under pressure, and got it together. I wish someone caught it on video (and maybe they did...) but I think it worked out perfectly. I said the things I wanted to say, without getting too personal (make no mistake, I am very personal when it comes to my sister, but there are many things that I'm not prepared to divulge in public.)

"I've been struggling to figure out what to say for a while now and it's not because I have a lack of great things to day about my sister - it's quite the opposite, actually and sometimes it's hard to find the perfect words for the people you love the most. My sister is one of the strongest, most giving people I know and it's scary that she knows me better than I know myself. I guess it's the "big sister instinct"

My sister may not remember a phone conversation we had a few years ago - her house was on the market and wasn't selling and while she was frustrated, we knew there had to me some reason why things kept falling through. Looking back now, we know that "M" is the reason.

Now would probably be the time where I would tell "M" to take care of my sister, but I don't need to do that - I've seen the way he and my sister interact with each other and I've never seen my sister happier or more content. So, "M" keep doing whatever it is your doing.

Since I've had a hard time finding the right words, I picked a song that sums up our relationship better than my words could say..."

cue the DJ playing Vanilla Ice and my sister and I dancing and lip syncing for a good 60 seconds. It was pretty classic. I don't know how Vanilla Ice got to be "our song" but it is...and I'm thankful for it

Day 7

Another short and sweet one - in fact, I shouldn't even be writing this post. I have to give a toast at my sister's wedding tomorrow and I just can't seem to get it right. It's not that I don't have great things to say about my sister (obviously, I do.) It's just that I'm not sure I can really put them into words and even if I could, I'm not sure I want other people hearing those words. There are just some things that are sacred to me and I don't know if I want to share them with the world. Anyway, I will figure out (because I always do...and really, I don't have a choice at this point.)

As for WrAbCrThFo, I'm very thankful for my sister's friends. We've been spending a lot of time together the last few days while prepping for the wedding and they are among the kindest people I have met. The love they have for my sister is obvious and they've embraced me in the last few days as well. I'm essentially a complete stranger (to some of them) but I don't feel like that at all when I'm around them.

I'm shy and not naturally a 'people person', but it's a good reminder to be kind to everyone and go out of my way to make people feel welcome, even if it doesn't come naturally to me. As much as I'm ready to go home and get back to my own routine (and comfy bed) I'm also going to miss everything about being here, especially the people.

Day 5 and Day 6...but not really

Oops...already behind on WrAbCrThFo...In my defense, I've been traveling and busy with my sister's wedding festivities, so I've had very few moments to sit down and get my thoughts out.

It's been wonderful to be on the East Coast and each time I visit, I'm tempted to scrap my California life and start over here. I love how green it is...and that they have four seasons...and that my sister is here. Everything is different in the most wonderful way possible. I'm not sure what the future holds, but I hope to visit here a lot more often (I used to make it out here much more than I do now) nand moving here isn't off the table all together (although, leaving California would be really, really hard...I'm not sure I have it in me, at least not now.)

On that note, I will probably be taking a pretty huge break from the blog for a few days - until I can get home and back in a normal routine. I am pretty committed to seeing the WrAbCrThFo through though and hope to get back on track as soon as I get home.

On another note, I miss Pacific Standard Time...although I don't think my body has any idea what time it is or what it should be doing at any given time. It's probably a good lesson to really focus on taking better care of myself when I get home. The lack of sleep I've experienced is not doing me any favors...at all.

Day 4

Easy way out, since I'm about to board a red-eye and all...and may or may not be buzzed from overpriced wine at the airport bar (hint, I totally am.) 

That being said, I truly am thankful for everyone in my life - so cheesy, but the truth. I tend to be guarded and don't let many people in...but the ones who are in are beyond anything I could have asked for. They somehow still tolerate me and I love them for it (I have a lot of weird quirks and suspect I'm not ultra-low maintence.) I have a love/hate relationship with the quote, "friends are the family you choose" but it really is true (of course, I love the family I didn't choose as well.) ok, I'm going to stop now, because I'm annoying myself with all the unicorns, glitter and rainbows (of course, I have to end the post like an asshole.)

Day 3

I'm going to keep this short and sweet since I've rambled on for 24 hours now. I'm grateful for modern technology. If you read my last blog post (I'm so sorry) you'll know why. But seriously, the ability to refill prescriptions from your phone and monitor your bank account is awesome and it saved me a headache tomorrow.

I have my priorities straight, clearly

12:36 am: still awake
1:17 am: yep, still awake
1:42 am: change alarm, because no way in H-E-double-hockey-sticks am I getting up before 9:00 am
7:06 am: up anyway (weird dreams...where are these coming from all of the sudden?)
7:07 am: Why were hommie (LA friend/drinking buddy extraordinaire) and I drinking expensive, crappy beer in the middle of the CVS parking lot in Lompoc? He was also in a crabby mood...likely because we were drinking bad beer in the middle of the parking lot...not in a car...but actually sitting in a parking lot. Spend the next hour dozing on and off
8:43 am: give up on sleep and proceed upstairs to coffee maker
8:56 am: first up of coffee
9:13 am: second cup of coffee
9:15 am: try to log in to remote desktop to access important spreadsheet...could the connection move any slower?
9:36 am: get started with my research...only to realize I'm in way over my head...how are there nearly double the amount of schools as last year. WHERE ARE THESE COMING FROM!!??
10:00 am: contemplate having a drink...because shit is getting stressful
10:12 am: realize I still have two more loads of laundry to do before my trip
10:13 am: curse self for not finishing this yesterday
10:15 am: get back to research
11:40 am: finally eat breakfast...in bed...with my laptop and spreadsheets
3:15 pm: still researching this bitch of a project. I thought it would be easy to update this year...I was wrong.
3:16 pm: resist urge to pull hair out
3:17 pm: clean out the trunk of my car so that I can fit everything in for the drive to LA tomorrow
3:25 pm: find shoes I didn't even realize I was missing and start to pack carry-on
3:37 pm: send lotto email to coworkers...resist urge to pull hair out for the upteenth time today (what on earth did I get myself into? I'm not a money tree, people!!)
3:40 pm: packed most of my carry-on and I didn't even have to sit on it. Go me!
3:45 pm: go back to work and keep researching...try to accept the fact that this project is going to take many, many, many more hours than I anticipated
4:49 pm: start to get very hungry
4:50 pm: now is a good time for a drink...get distracted though and start thinking about packing again
5:03 pm: realize that I don't have enough of one of my prescriptions to get me through my trip...order online and prep for a 45 minute round-trip drive to get medication (note to self: either get on home delivery or switch pharmacies)
5:07 pm: blog...because I am a gold-medal procrastinator and it just seems like the most logical thing to do at this point
5:21 pm: get comfortable with the fact that I will have to take my laptop on this trip
5:22 pm: cross the library displays off my to-do list for today - no way is that shit getting done before I leave!
5:31 pm: wrap up stupid blog entry because I still have to finish work..and packing...and picking up meds
7:15-ish pm: Gas station will not accept my debit card...wtf...checked my account balance only to realize one of my more expensive recent transactions is listed in both pending and history, making it look like I have $200 less in my checking than I really do (I also generally keep most of my money in a savings account and move to checking as needed so that I'm not tempted to spend as much.) 
7:20-ish pm: I have more than enough gas to get home, decide to drive home where gas is slightly cheaper...try not to be bitter on the drive home about my checking account having a low, low balance (but know that the $200 will find it's way back tomorrow...still. Really annoying, especially since it was fine four hours earlier.)
7:40-ish pm: get to gas station where gas is way cheaper...only to find all that's left is premium.
7:40-ish pm: decide "eff it" and pay the extra 20 cents, because I don't have to get that much anyway and I just want to go home. I gladly pay an extra $1.20 total to go home and not have to worry about getting gas tomorrow morning when it's crowded as eff.
8:45 pm: finally finish packing my carry-on and checked luggage...all that's left is my laptop and chargers (I will likely wear my glasses to the airport because flying in contacts sucks and wearing my glasses is the one way to ensure they make it on the trip with me :) I can't see more than blobs when anything is a foot from my face, so it's hard to function without them. )
8:52 pm: decide to keep blogging about my action packed day full of first-world problems
8:55 pm: start to get pumped, because I'm super excited to see my sister and super excited for her to get married.

Ok, off to shower and try to go to bed...I figure trying to fit several hundred schools in an already packed spreadsheet in alphabetical order by country, city and school should help me fall asleep.

zzz...zzz...zzz, I wish!

I can't sleep, so I've decided to blog instead...wow, three mediocre blog posts in one day. Go me! You're probably wondering "how does she do it?!"  Also, I took zzzquil, so don't expect this to be deep and coherent...I really, really, really envy people who can fall asleep right away. I can't even comprehend how that's possible. Even as a kid, I would lay in bed awake and bored out of my mind for what felt like hours (also, apparently my favorite thing to say as a kid? "I'm not tired! I'm NEVER tired" before throwing a tantrum and passing out.)

•  I'm going to blog in bullet points...because I can!

• I'm really excited that I get to work from home all day tomorrow. I've been working from home on Mondays for one job, but I have to physically go to the other. You'll never hear me complain about working from home in any capacity, but I'm happy that I don't have to stress about fitting both in tomorrow

• I do, however, have to pack. I'm making my list now so that I don't over-pack, but I already know I'm going to have a lot of stuff. I'm packing my bridesmaids dress and a few other essentials in my carry on (because everything else is very easily replaceable...but I have to make sure the dress gets there. Although, for some reason I keep thinking I will forget it at home.) I also need to figure out the wardrobe situation because it's going to be kind of cool and rainy (since we essentially have summer year round here, anything below 70 is sweatshirt and Ugg weather.) 

• I've been binge-watching a lot of Friend's reruns (in fact, I'm watching an episode now) lately. The show first aired when I was in 7th grade and continued through all of my college years. The show is very nostalgic for me.  When I lived in LA and was beyond broke (for a few months, anyway) my roommate and I could not afford cable, so we just watched the DVDs constantly. My college roommate and I bonded over the show (and more, of course...but I moved in when she was on winter break and she saw all the DVDs I left in the living room, along with pulp-free orange juice in the fridge and knew we were a good match!)

• Speaking of my post-college roommate, LA and not being able to afford things...for whatever reason, most apartments in LA do not come with a fridge and you have to purchase your own. She and I could not afford to do so for a while, so we kept cheese and tortillas on ice in one side of our kitchen sink (we also used to wait for the "hot doughnuts" sign to go on at Krispy Kreme for a free doughnut.) I'm honestly not sure how we managed to pay rent for the first few months and we didn't even live in a nice place. Despite having no money, I think it's fair to say that we both had an awesome time and so many memories. I'm not sure I would be brave enough to move 300 miles away with no job and an almost empty checking account now (I guess it's called "growing up" or something.)

• I used up all my tomatoes from my last few CSA shipments and made a pretty killer marinara sauce, if I do say so myself. I didn't use a recipe and just rolled with it and to turned out beautifully. It's slightly labor intensive (you have to peel the tomatoes) but so, so worth it and so much better than stuff in a jar. I love cooking and I don't get to do it nearly enough these days. While the sauce turned out great, the picture did not

(If you are in the market for an excellent food photographer, I'm available. I have mad camera skills, yo!)

• I think the zzzquil is finally starting to kick in...time for bed

• There's a disturbing amount of bladder control commercials on at this time of night. WHY??!! Especially the commercial where the teacher is afraid to bend down and tie her students' shoes. Great to know, since getting older doesn't already suck as it is. These commercials make it sound like you just constantly pee yourself once you hit 40...I'm horrified...and not looking forward to getting older. Age is nothing but a number my ass!

• I will probably read this back in the morning and be like "WTF!? Why am I putting this crap on the interwebs!?"

Day 2

I'll be the first to admit that my last post was a bit ridiculous - I'm not sure why I felt the need to blog from the gym (no worries, I'm totally judging myself.) However, it's the happiest I've been in weeks. I haven't worked out in three weeks (since injuring myself at the half) and it felt great to be back, even if I'm not 100%.

For the record, it's not that I've been unhappy lately, but something has felt really off and I haven't been able to pin-point it.  For the last few weeks I've been questioning myself trying to figure it out - is it because it was my Dad's birthday? Is it because I'm tired? Is shark week approaching? Is it because the Dodgers got knocked out of the playoffs early? Do I miss my old life/friends in LA? Do I miss my family in San Diego? Is it because I'm hungry? Honestly, I still don't really know what the problem is/was.

What I do know is that it's going to be okay and that for whatever reason, working out makes me feel like I can face/take on the world again. Six years ago I thought that athletes/gym rats were crazy liars and that there was no possible way for exercise can really make a person happy (but six years ago the most exercise I got was lifting a wine glass, so there you go.) but I've discovered that running is the best medicine for me.

So, I guess this brings me to WrAbCrThFo Day 2 - I'm thankful for the ability to run and the role running has played in my life.  Three years ago this weekend, I finished the NYC Marathon (an incredibly emotional experience...I was not prepared for all the crying after and it wasn't because I was in pain.) I didn't finish with the time I expected/wanted, but I finished something I thought was impossible. I've never really been coordinated/athletic and running was among my least favorite activities - it just felt so hard all of the time.

What's really funny is that despite my hatred of running, I was on the track team in high school for two years. The track team had an "open door" policy and anyone could join. I had several friends on the team and I saw it as a social opportunity (and, lets be honest, it was also an opportunity get out of class early on Thursday afternoons to go to meets.) My events were shot-put and discus because those were the events that required the least amount of running during practice (the warm-up laps everyone had to run at the beginning of each practice were torture.) Otherwise, I managed to avoid running for much of my teen and adult years.

However, everything changed in September of 2008 - I was not in a good place in my life at all. I was experiencing furloughs at work (really hard when you're single and supporting yourself on an already small salary,) stuck in a job I didn't love, in the middle of an unhealthy on-again/off-again relationship and busting my rear in grad school. I remember being so frustrated one Monday (it was a furlough day) because I had a two papers due the next day and just could not focus and get the words to come out on paper.

I really wanted to open a bottle of wine that September afternoon, but it was 2:00 in the afternoon (nothing wrong with day drinking - I heart day drinking, but this wasn't happy day drinking.) I finally told myself that I could open the bottle if I went to the gym. I really, really didn't feel like going to the gym, so I decided to take a walk instead. About 30 minutes in to my walk, I realized that it felt really easy and I wasn't getting much of a workout, so I decided to pick up the pace...and it was still too easy. So I did the unthinkable - I ran.

Actually, it was probably more of a shuffle/jog/walk (I was nearly 50 pounds overweight and hadn't run in years.) I could only manage to go in 30 second increments, but I did it and made it back home. I was exhausted by the time I got home (in a good way) and really didn't want the wine anymore. My head also felt more clear and I felt better than I had in months. From that point on, I forced myself to run any time I felt frustrated/sad/angry. Running after work eventually just became a habit. I started taking better care of myself and started to believe in myself like I never had before.

There's so much more to my running story (and congratulations if you're still reading my rambling!) but there's no possible way I could put it all into one post. I guess all of this was to say that I'm thankful for running and I'm not sure I want to know how my life would have turned out without it. Not every run is a good run and there are many days when my inherent laziness wants to take over because no matter how much I love running, I may love my couch more. However, it's one of my favorite things in life and I can't wait to get back out there all the way.

Sweat

It's amazing what a little sweat and Sam Smith will do for a girl. I'm almost crying tears of joy on the elliptical. Pace is slower than usual (I'm blogging on the machine, for effs sake) but I don't care! I feel better mentally and physically than I have in weeks! Happy place, indeed!

Day 1

Day one of my own little thankfulness challenge and I'm barely making the cutoff. It's not because I can't figure out what I'm thankful for - quite the opposite, actually. It's just that today has been a busy day - I basically woke up, went to work and met up with a friend and her kids for dinner. This is the first moment that I've really had to blog. I will admit that I struggled to pinpoint what I wanted to write about first, but I quickly realized it doesn't have to be that complicated and sometimes writing about life's random and simple moments is just fine.

Today, I'm thankful that I have a friend who was willing to drive a half hour with a toddler and a preschooler to have dinner with me (I honestly don't know how she does it...or how any parent does it, really.) I'm thankful that I got to hang with an almost-two year old ham who made me laugh for most of the evening...and who accompanied me on my first "run" since my injury. Normally I would feel like an ass running up and down a sidewalk in a shopping center (we did the "superman" run, in case you were wondering,) but he needed to burn off energy and his mom needed a few minutes to wait in line and pay the cashier in peace.

I always say that I'm not much of a kid person, and it's mostly true (it's not that I don't like kids, but being the baby in a pretty small family myself, I'm not really sure what to do with them.) However, I love it when kids can make you appreciate being in the moment, and find joy in simple, silly things (even if it does require you to make an ass out of yourself) and that's exactly what happened tonight.

WrAbCrThFo

So, last November there was all that 'thankfulness' stuff going around on Facebook and Twitter and I pretty much ignored it...and vowed to never participate in it because it all felt so trite and honestly? Pretty fake. Most people are thankful for their family, friends, animals, car, home, etc...is it necessary to post it in a public forum? Are you looking for gold stars or an award for all the unicorns, glitter and rainbows you find in your life?

However, I'm feeling more optimistic (as well as grateful and thankful) this year, so, why not? While I won't post stuff like that on FB or Twitter (FB is for mostly for my rants and stupid things I end up doing and twitter is mostly...running and rants...but it's hard to remember because I haven't been on twitter much lately...but you can read all the blow-by-blow action at @lizzieruns) But my new little blog might be just the place. It may also help me get back into the swing of writing and just generally make me pay more attention to the things going on in my life (if I had more time I would totally do NaNoWriMo, but I can tell you right now that it's not going to happen...but hopefully one day, because somehow geting something I wrote classified in the Library of Congress is on the bucket list...I have a few papers published on open-source websites from grad school, but that doesn't really count.)

Anyway, I'd like to blog about things I'm thankful for in November...but that may be tricky. You see, there are many people/things in my life that I'm so thankful for and I couldn't picture my life without them (many times, they have been the saving grace in the story of my life) but I'm not sure I'm super-comfortable blogging about it/them and I'm also not sure they want to be blogged about. Also, while there is so much beauty in life, I tend to be on the 'the glass is obviously half-empty you douche' side things and sometimes have trouble expressing honest, real feelings without using sarcasm as a defense mechanism of sorts.

So, who knows what will come of this. Don't be surprised if you see a post about how I'm thankful for gummy bears and/or yoga pants. But don't be surprised if I somehow randomly spill my guts on the interwebs (but hopefully not too much...)

November - the month I'm Writing About Crap I'm Thankful For (or, WrAbCrThFo)

Even though I have three hours until I have to write about being thankful for stuff, I am really thankful that a few people are brave enough to keep reading this thing. It isn't the deepest, most profound blog, but I'm having fun with it (even if it is a little 'dear diary') and it helps me get out of my own head a bit...and that's good enough for me right now.

Hallow-o-hell-no

Halloween is among my least favorite holidays. In fact, I think I'd rate it only slightly higher than New Year's Eve/Day (my hatred of that holiday is a post for another time, but there's always so much pressure to do something awesome and it's always a huge letdown.) Anyway, it's not that I'm against Halloween, but the holiday doesn't really do anything for me. I believe the last time I actively celebrated Halloween was when I was 20 and dressed up as Anna Nicole Smith (that costume? beyond EPIC...and complete with a jar of pickles and stuffed dog...how could I possibly go wrong?) I'm simultaneously relieved and disappointed that no photographic evidence exists, at least, not to my knowledge

While I always celebrated Halloween as a kid (my mom almost always sewed fancy costumes and I never wore a store bought costume) I never fully got into it the way everyone else did. Yes, free candy was awesome, but I always thought it was a lot of work (I mean, my parents had a bowl full of candy they were giving out at home...why couldn't I just take that?) and I always felt slightly ridiculous dressing up, even as a child. More than anything, Halloween signaled the start of the Holiday Season and it was a nice reminder that Thanksgiving and Christmas were right around the corner (my favorite holidays! Especially Thanksgiving.)

Maybe I would feel differently if I had children and had a reason to be excited (admittedly, I do enjoy seeing pictures of everyone's kids on Facebook) but I just can't bring myself to get in to it. In fact, I was super-relived that my optometrist appointment got moved to this morning, as it meant I could skip the Halloween potluck at work. 

My favorite anti-Halloween rant comes from my favorite author, Jen Lancaster. I'm too lazy to locate it at the moment, but she feels the same way I do and she has a hard time taking adults in costumes seriously...I've already experienced it twice today with the pink bunny administering my tests at the optometrist (I'd kind of prefer if people assisting with medical-related matters didn't dress up) and the half-dressed "warrior" ringing up my zzzquill at Walmart.

Halloween is more than halfway over and I can't say I'm sad about it. My plans for the rest of the day? A massage (working more on my injured leg,) a nap and some kind of alcoholic beverage. Only 364 more days until I have to deal with this again.

Meetings: none of is is as dumb as all of us

Heading into hour three of the most boring, useless meeting ever. I hate going to meetings with no purpose. I've given up trying to follow along, so I'm providing you, my dear readers, with a list of activities I'd rather be doing.

(1.) have a public pelvic exam in Times Square 

(2.) watch a 'Keeping up with the Kardashians' marathon

(3.) watch Star Wars

(4.) scrub toilets

(5.) hug a cactus

(6.) hold a screaming baby

(7.) have lunch with a scary clown

(8.) wear socks with sandals (actually, I might not be able to follow thru with this)

(9.) eat an egg (not sure I could do this without vomiting...but it would still be better than this meeting.)

(10.) go a week without deodorant 

(11.) share a bed with a spider

(12.) break up a kangaroo fight

I think it's almost over..shit, maybe not

(13.) go without coffee for a week

(14.) listen to Kanye in all his Yeezus glory on repeat, with REM in the background

It's FINALLY over.

Post meeting additions

(15.) Eat olives
(16.) Sweat to the Oldies with Richard Simmons

Office attire

Business casual at its finest (in semi-related news, my hair is astronomically large today.) 

So, these exist

Because nothing says "Happy Halloween" quite like a herpes pumpkin with funky testicles.

I can't believe I actually just posted that

Someone has a case of the Sundays

Sundays give me the sads. Even though I might have the day off, I often spent the whole entire day focused on the fact that the next day will be Monday and the whole cycle would start over again and Friday feels like an eternity away. I've pretty much felt that way my entire life.

As a kid, it always depressing to know that I'd be spending the majority of my day doing homework and I'd have to go to bed early. As a teen, I often spent Sunday working (at a Danish bakery no less...although the tips were amazing.) and just generally dreading school the next day (and I had school night curfew to deal with as well.) College may have been the one time I didn't mind Sunday so much (but I was probably way too hungover most Sundays to care about anything other than getting bacon in my system...or soy sausage when I was a vegetarian.)

Now, as a working adult, I still find Sundays to be somewhat depressing. At the moment they are typically my one day off a week, so on the one hand, I love them. There's something so relaxing about drinking coffee in bed until noon. On the other, I often find myself trying to cram so many things in that Sunday just ends up being exhausting - I need to clean (I'm pretty militant about scrubbing my bathroom once a week and changing my sheets, doing laundry and all that jazz,) go to the gym, try to finish whatever display I'm working on for the library and cook for lunches and dinners during the week. I also usually try to fit in lunches with friends because it's the one day I can do it (bless their hearts, they are really understanding when I have to flake...I really love them!)

Working from home on Mondays has nicely eliminated some of the Sunday sadness and I've been making an effort lately to go out and do fun things on Sundays (wine tasting, for example.) I'm finding that I really do need to do something fun to regain my sanity a bit and ease in to the next week (I also realize that I'm very, very lucky to have two jobs, when many people can't find one...so really, this whole post is just a giant wine fest.)

Today's agenda includes a trip to Target, Trader Joe's and BevMo (and possibly Costco, but Costco on a Sunday is like taking a trip to the seventh layer of hell.) Today's agenda also includes bacon (can't go wrong with that...although I feel really guilty eating it. More on that another time.) I also need to unpack and do a boat-load of laundry and watch the Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion (yes, I watch reality TV and I don't care what anyone thinks...I do feel the need to say that I draw the line at the Kardashians though. UGH!) 

Oh, and I really, really need to wash my car (I can hardly see out the windows a this point.) Funny side story: I took my car to Best Buy the other day to look into a new stereo (I have the shitty factory installed one and I can't connect my phone/iPod to it...I commute 10 hours a week in the middle of nowhere...and sometimes can't get a single station to come in clearly.) Anyway, they had to come out and look at my car to see what the panel looked like and I found myself apologizing for how dirty my car was. The guy helping me was all, "you're just doing your part!" (I'm assuming the meant because of the drought.) Ha! This stranger totally overestimated me! The real reason my car isn't washed -(well, aside from being out of town for a week.) Car washes intimidate me. It's not the going through the actual car wash (what most people seem to be afraid of,) it's figuring out which line to go in, having someone pre-wash the car, trying to get my tires in the correct position to go into the car wash. It's enough to make me want to take a Xanax (and it's why my car is typically dirty..note to self: Self, while black cars look great when they're clean, they are impossible to keep clean. Stick with white. Or silver.)

For whatever reason, I feel like today is going to be a really good day, although it's probably going to fly by, as good days often do.

On a side note, I miss my spending my Sunday mornings with my crabby old lady. I'm pretty sure she thought the sole purpose of my existence was to stay in bed all day and pet her.

Keeping the ass out of assertive

I tend to avoid confrontation like the plague. While a lot of things annoy the ever-loving shit out of me, I generally tend not to say anything. Why make a mountain out of a molehill? How far will it really get me? Why spend an hour hashing something out when I'll probably be over it by then? (well, more to come on that aspect of it.) I really don't want to be "that person." I would rather let things pass in a peaceful way. Assertive is not my middle name.

And seriously, we all know at least one person who loves to get confrontational/say something about everything. Nothing is ever their fault, it's always someone else who is the problem. And those people? Are impossible to be around for the long term. It takes so much time and energy to be around them that you stop coming around; you stop commenting on their facebook posts (but you still find the time to roll your eyes at each and every single complaint; at least, I seem to find the time for it.) You avoid them at social gatherings and if you find yourself in a conversation with them anyway, you nod your head and look for the first chance to excuse yourself from the crazy.

The thing is, while avoiding confrontation is generally a good thing, I wonder how much the silence holds me back. I know of at least one relationship that ended partly because I could never really speak up about what was bothering me. I always expected (well, wanted) them to figure it out without me having to spoon-feed it to them (of course, it probably ended in part because they were/probably still are kind of a douche.) In my head I was always like, "how can you not know that it's not okay!!??? How is this not obvious??!!" It's kind of hard to keep up a romantic relationship when the trust isn't even there to say how you feel in the first place.

And it's not just relationships, it's my career too - I've really learned in the last year that I have to learn to be assertive and be bold in order to keep my head above water. I'm getting better, I suppose, but there's a really fine line between being assertive and being rude (or whiny.) I've finally figured out in one of my jobs that my boss will either be annoyed with me because I did the wrong thing, or because I did nothing about a situation at all. I think it's safe to say that it's better to make a hard and fast decision and have it be wrong than be wishy-washy about it.  Really, at the end of the day, I'm not important enough to make the entire empire come crumbling down from one wrong decision (I'm not trying to be self-depreciating here, it's just that neither of my jobs really entail life-or-death decisions, so it's okay to be wrong.)

The funny thing is that my mouth got me into trouble more than once in my teens (and probably early 20s) I didn't get detention or sent to the principal's office often, but when I did, it was because I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I know of at least one teacher who gave me a B+ instead of the A I earned, simply because I talked back (and possibly questioned his authority a bit...he really didn't appreciate that...and he probably would have given me a much lower grade if he could have)

I'm not sure exactly what changed and why. Maybe the stakes got higher when I realized I had to support myself financially and I couldn't afford to mouth off to my bosses. Maybe it was in the years following my dad's death when I just felt angry and lost and lost the will to speak up. I dunno...I just know that I used to be a lot more bold and I want to have a bit of that spark back. The good news is that I find that the older I get, the less I care what people think, so I may be headed in the right direction. Many of the people I admire (my sister, my favorite author, etc.) are assertive in all the right ways and I admire them because they aren't afraid to say what they need to say while coming across as strong and intelligent (and not whiny and annoying.) I'm working towards getting there one day.

Names

I just want to say that the reason I chose the "unclassified life" as the name of my blog was partly because I wasn't really sure what I wanted to write about and partly because I love all things library-related and indexing and classification are a HUGE part of the library world.

That being said, I just realized that I haven't been tagging/indexing any of my posts. Go freaking figure (I'll get on that soon!)

Hotel papers part two

I lived alone for three years and absolutely loved it - I know some people might go crazy, but I found it was really peaceful (minus my neighbor playing video games in surround sound...and his penchant for doing plyometrics at all hours of the day...although I about died when he blasted Color me Badd one day...it's hard to be mad when "I want to sex you up" is blaring through your walls...sadly, I think I know all the words to that song...anyway...) So, living alone = good. However, traveling alone = bad (please remind me of this in two weeks when my mother and I will be flying together and staying in the same hotel room for a week...bless her heart, she's my favorite person in the world, but I'm not sure if I see this ending well)

It's only day two and I'm already feeling antsy and I would love someone to talk to (although, I could do without small talk in the elevator...so awkward. Listen up people, it's totally ok to ride 30 seconds in silence, I promise I'm not offended.) I guess I could call someone, but I'm not really in the mood to talk on the phone. I have three more nights of this, so hopefully I hold up without going too crazy. Now would usually be the time I would usually go to the gym.

In lieu of the hotel gym (since working out is banned right now) and hotel bar (I didn't feel like changing out of yoga pants,) I decided to drink champagne in a can and eat some of the 3.83 pounds of gummy bears I bought the other day (what you're seeing here is only about 1.75 pounds) alone in my room. Classy, no? Also? I'm super glad I decided to bring two pairs of yoga pants. 

That's all for now - my 24 hours of internet is about to expire and I don't really know if I want to keep writing about gummy bears and yoga pants (I'm planning on writing more meaningful things in the future.) Thankfully, tomorrow's hotel has free wi-fi (it's also across the street from a Habit...I see a burger with extra pickles in my future.) 

Hotel papers

• If I don’t write this blog entry in bullet points, it’s probably not going to happen at all. For some reason bullet points seem much less daunting than paragraphs. Sad, I know…but the whole point of this blog is to have an outlet and right now, I have a lot to say and can’t seem to organize my thoughts beyond a bullet point

• I’m traveling for work right now and I’m a bit nervous about what I have to accomplish this week. I’ve done it before, but it’s a little out of my comfort zone and it usually takes a day or so for me to get back into the swing of things. I don’t get to hide behind my computer this week and I’m usually much more of a “behind the scenes” kind of girl

• Speaking of traveling, I always joke that the person who works in Transportation Services hates me, because I usually get stuck with a clunker. One of my most comical experiences was from a somewhat local trip (150 miles or so.) I had to drive a gold 1999 Ford Taurus. Oh. My. Word. It was a death trap – it shook when it got to 60 mph and really couldn’t go past 65 mph, even when I floored it - semi trucks passing me on the freeway (totally not safe.) I also remember having to pull over for 10-15 minutes to let the car cool off since it was overheating. I probably should have called AAA, but I tend to be a bit macho about those kinds of things and figured I could get it back in once piece (plus it would have been way more hassle than it was worth…the government makes everything take ten times longer than it needs to take.) Last year I got stuck with a Malibu that felt like a tank and had zero visibility…the driver side door also didn’t like to unlock and I had to unlock it from the passenger side. The “check engine” light kept going on and off during the third day of my trip and continued until I made it home

• This year’s car (a Hyundai Elantra) is okay – it’s not something I would pick for myself, but it’s by far the best car I’ve had for work – the visibility is a bit off, but I realized on my way down that I need new contacts/glasses and I really, really, need to learn how to use my side mirrors. I also heart the XM radio in it. 90s/2000s jams? Yes, please!!!

• Yes, I never learned how to use my side mirrors when I learned how to drive – I remember it drove my dad crazy (he’s primarily the one who taught me how to drive...I still hear lectures about it in my head, but truth be told, it’s comforting at this point.) Yes, I really, really should know how to use them. But, here’s the thing – you’re supposed to look over your shoulder for blind spots anyway, right? Why bother with the side mirror if I have to look before I change lanes? I mean, I use it sometimes, but I feel like I can’t fully rely on it

• I’m really missing my dad right now. It would have been his 68^th birthday on the 13^th… I really don’t have much else to say on this (well, I do…I just don’t feel the need to blog about it…I’m trying to keep it as light as possible at the moment)

• I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m glad the weekend is over – I nearly had a meltdown trying to pack and get things done for my second job. My house was in a state of disarray and I was generally in a bad mood…I felt really overwhelmed. I’m not allowed to run or workout right now (usually my cure for feeling overwhelmed) so I made a to-do list and a packing list and suddenly all was right with the world again. I got the important stuff done and I’m trying not to stress about the smaller things. God bless to-do lists. God bless lists in general (I realize that Jesus probably has better things to worry about than my to-do lists…but still)

• I got my craft on and made 6 book pumpkins this morning. I have to say they turned out pretty bad-ass. They were a lot more time consuming than I expected, but I don’t like half-assing things (well, I half-ass stuff all the time, but I don’t like to half-ass library stuff.) I hope they look awesome in the display…and I hope we reuse them next year, because I don’t plan on doing this again. Also? Where has spray paint been all my life??!! I had way, way, way too much fun spray painting the pumpkins orange and coating them in gold glitter (I’m sure the paint fumes weren't helping.) I now know why graffiti exists – it’s so much fun (my main complaint about graffiti? If you’re gonna do it, could you at least make it legible and understandable? I don’t know what SHORTBY56GUTZ means.) The world might be a better place of people used glitter paint in their graffiti creations. Martha Stewart would totally approve

• I miss running and working out – thanks to my injury from last week’s half marathon, I’m not supposed to run, swim or walk excessively for the next 4-6 weeks. My leg is in pain and it’s bothering me all day every day, but working out is my stress relief…I love running more than anything. I have a rocky and complicated history with running, but it’s been a life saver for me and I can’t picture my life without it. It’s gotten me through some really, really, rough patches in my life. On a vain note, I feel like I’ve gained 10 pounds (probably not possible, my pants all fit normally and I don’t weigh myself anyway….what can I say, I’m crazy)

• I got to meet my friends baby today – he’s not even two weeks old…he’s so, so, so, so cute and tiny. However, I’m not gonna lie babies scare me and they seem so fragile. Any parent will tell you that they’re not as fragile as you think they are, but I’m still terrified that I’ll break the baby. Scary stuff. Reason 1032 why I probably won’t have kids. Don’t get me wrong, I like kids and babies are adorable, but I could just see myself being the annoying, worry-wart, helicopter parent (on a side note, I do much better with babies in the infant and toddler stage…not nearly as scary J )

• I’m not sure how it got to be so late, but I should probably get ready for bed now…would it be weird to just order coffee and bacon for room service tomorrow morning? Because that sounds positively delightful right now