My gift to myself

It feels like December (and really, 2015) just flew by. I can't believe the holidays are pretty much over. I had a very small, very quiet Christmas and that's just fine by me. We still cooked a big dinner, drank lots of champagne and opened gifts - can't really complain about that! I got some new pajama pants (just what I need more of...though, I love them and specifically asked for them...but I need another pair of lounge pants like I need a kangaroo living in my condo) a few cool handmade gifts and some new shirts/tank tops.

Honestly, I had a lot of trouble even coming up with a list of things I wanted this year. I have EVERYTHING I need and while I have a few fun/useful wants, they are quite expensive and not something I could ever ask someone to buy for me (namely kitchen equipment and running gadgets, all of which are over $100 and fall into 'frivolous' wants.) I may save up my coins (I have over $100 as of right now) and pick up a few items during the year...or I may invest the spare change in my new taxable investment account (leaning towards investing.)

That's right, people! I finally broke down and opened an individual investment account. I already have DCP, 457 and 403b retirements through work and I also have a traditional IRA, but I wanted something that I could use pre-retirement or for early retirement. Obviously, I have a lot more research to do (I know there are some 'loopholes' that may allow you to roll things over to different accounts and get the money from traditional retirement plans if you're planning on retiring before the standard age) but I wanted to get started...I don't want to wait until I'm 48 to start one (though, saving and investing at any age is a good thing.) I'm starting very small until I get the hang of everything (and fully fund my emergency fund.) 

I know many personal finance people would totally disagree with what I'm doing since I'm not maxing out my retirement accounts at the moment (there's no employer match with the 457 or 403b, so I'm not missing out on 'free' money) and I still need to beef up my 6-12 month emergency fund, but I'm excited to see how this goes. I know I could lose money...but I'm ok with that. That's how investments work. I've seen a lot of positive and negative fluctuations in the 10 years I've had retirement accounts, but overall it's been way more positive and worth the risk. I won't hit my goal if I'm stuffing money under my mattress.

Anyway, so much money talk. I'm sure it's soooo boring to read, but I'm pretty excited about it. Having a 2 week break from the office (though, I am working from home) reaffirmed that I don't want to be stuck in a 9-5 until I'm 65. No, no thank you. Don't get me wrong, I like my job just fine and I don't mind being 'stuck behind a computer' (I prefer it to customer service) but I want to do it on my terms. I'm also starting to realize that when I'm alone in the nursing home (because, let's face it, that's probably where I'll end up) I won't care if I owned 'this season's must have shoes' every year...but I will care if I never got out to experience the world and made memories with the people I love (not to mention the fact that if I am in a home, I want it to be as nice as possible.) 

Enough about me getting old. I need to get back to work so that I can have at least 5 or 6 days of freedom before I have to go back to work. I'm not allowed to take any days off between January and the end of April, so I better enjoy what little time I have right now (yet another reason for financial freedom!)

Club Elastic

Just checking in to say that it's been 10 since I've worn pants with a button and 7 days since I've worn any makeup (unless you consider lip balm makeup) and it's WONDERFUL.

Working from home is challenging, but it's also freeing. It reaffirms why I want to reach total financial independence. Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy choices and freedom.

I can only hope I remember this way of thinking when I'm in the checkout line at Target/Costco/Old Navy buying more crap I don't need instead of a future full of freedom. 

Off-topic Tuesday

Two days in a row...I'm ready for my medal now! Just popping in - not really sure why since I don't have anything of value to say...I guess I just felt like writing...as always, you're welcome!

• If you know me well at all, you know I'm a bit of a klutz (in fact, I believe I detailed a bad fall while running a few months back.) I feel like I'm always tripping over something or bumping some body part on something sharp. I mean, I was once asked by my doctor if I "felt safe in my relationship" because I had so many bruises on me during a 'well woman' exam (side note: I'm glad my doctor was compassionate and direct.) I had to explain that I was just accident prone (also? it turns out I'm anemic and should be taking an iron supplement, but they tend to upset my stomach, so I stay away.) Anyway, I got a wicked craving for a midnight snack the other night and tripped going back down stairs. I'm not even sure how it happened. I was just casually walking down one minute and the next thing I knew I was flat on my ass/back (as flat as you can be on a staircase.) It hurt. Like a bitch. Consequently, my left ass check is black, blue and purple and it hurts to sit...or stand.
• Thanks to my fun incident on Saturday, I can't really run or work out. I mean, I'm sure I could probably do some weights or hop on the elliptical, but I don't start training for the half marathon for another month and marathon training for my full won't start until June. I'm probably going to take the next week off just to heal and recover so that I can dive back in this weekend (is it weird that I feel my bruises jiggle when I walk?)
• I bought lunch today for the first time in two weeks. I don't have any excuses. I packed a lunch...I just didn't feel like eating it. I've been tired, sore and crabby since my fall and I just really wanted a Roast Beef Hotte 88 from South Coast Deli. Now that it's winter break, it's the perfect time to frequent eateries in Isla Vista that are normally too crowded to hit up at lunch....so I figured why not? I feel guilty for spending money (I mean, money wasn't an issue, but since I'm tracking everything and trying to behave) but it was SO GOOD and exactly what I wanted. I ended up eating half for lunch and half for dinner...so nothing went to waste (though, it probably did go to my waist.) 
• The most shameful part of the sandwich ordeal? The fact that I drove the 3/4 of a mile each way to get it. SHAMEFUL!!! I have no excuses other than the fact that I was already sore and had another five hours of work left. I'm normally a huge fan of parking far away/walking when possible, etc, but I decided to pick my battles today. 
• I have yet to start Christmas shopping. I'll probably complete 95% of it on Amazon tomorrow. Thank goodness I only have a few people to shop for and thank God for Amazon Prime. Also? I didn't order my gifts until 12/21 last year, so I'm like a whole week ahead. Good times. There's only one person on my short list that I'm struggling with. I know that they would be happy with just about anything, but I'd like for it to be something other than "here's a piece of plastic to show you how much I care." 
• Despite being sore/injured, I was able to do a bit of baking the other day. I'm especially proud of my s'mores bars. They are sweet as heck and there's nothing healthy about them, but they are so good. I regret nothing!
• Can't believe we are halfway through December. This month, and really, the whole year flew by. I'm kind of sad it's over...and I'm not looking forward to the big 3-4 in February, but I am excited to see what 2016 holds...I'm especially excited to attempt another marathon. I almost can't wait for next October. Almost. 
• I'm also really excited to spend the next few weeks relaxing, organizing and clearing out my pantry/freezer. Weird stuff to be excited about, I know. I even have a special trip planned to 'the mothership' (The Container Store) to get a few supplies to round out what I already have. Only three more days of work until I'm sort-of free (I'll be working from home, so it's not a complete vacation.)

And, on that note, it's time to get ready for bed. Peace out, bros!

Yep, more financial stuff. You're welcome.

Finances are still at the forefront in my life right now. In fact, it still takes up the bulk of what I think about. I've been tracking every penny since December 1st, and there haven't been any big surprises about where my money is going (not my first tracking rodeo this year, so that's probably part of it) it's easy to see that my priorities have shifted and that's a good thing.

While 2015 wasn't like, the best year EVER!!, it certainly wasn't the worst and for the first time in a long time, I feel like I'm ending the year on a much better note than how it started...and doing something as simple as tracking my finances made that really clear to me.

For most of the year I spent a lot of money buying coffee and eating out (because I didn't really have time to cook in between working two jobs and commuting 2 hours a day,) getting massages (because I was so stressed out from working two jobs and commuting two hours a day) buying clothes (because I was miserable trying to work two jobs and thought it would make me feel better...it didn't.) I'm making $600 a less a month, and yet I'm coming out ahead. Of course, part of this is because I shifted high interest debt into a low-interest personal loan, but part of it because I no longer feel the need to spend money I don't have to make myself feel better and keep my head above water.

Sometimes I get discouraged because I'm so far away from the financial freedom that I crave. There's no way I'll hit FIRE (financial independence, retire early) in my 30s. I'm nowhere where I want to be or should be in terms of earning income and saving. However, when I look at where I was four years ago, what I went through in the last few years and where I am now, it's easy to see that I've come a long way in a short amount of time.

A few years ago a $500 car repair would have destroyed me. I know I'd desperately be trying to cobble together my credit cards to cover the repairs. Now? It would be annoying and upsetting...but it wouldn't destroy my finances at all and there would be no need to put the repairs on credit (thankfully my car repairs have been fairly low this year, but still.) My savings account, while not large, is big enough to cover me for at least a month...possibly two if I cut all spending back to the barest of bare bones. I'm not out of the woods by any means, but there is so, SO much peace of mind knowing that I have something to fall back on. I wish I could slap my 20-something year old self for being so reckless with my spending and living on the edge for so long.

I'm still not 100% ready to commit to 2016 goals yet (mostly because I dislike setting goals that I usually get too lazy to reach) but I really want to save six months worth of living expenses by this time next year (I currently save about 10% for retirement and I'll probably keep saving at that rate until I feel comfortable with my 'short term/emergency' savings account) and I also really want to look into opening some kind of non-retirement investment account.

Anyway, I feel like this blog is super-boring (but really, has it ever been exciting?) but just writing some of this out helps me focus on my goals and think about what I want out of life, at least in the short term. Anyway, it's time to hobble upstairs (maybe I can blog about the fall I took going downstairs the other night...it hurts like hell...also? falling in my 30s??!! WTF!!??) and pack my lunch for tomorrow...because I'll be damned if I go back to my old habit of purchasing junk food every day because I was too tired/lazy/bored to be bothered to do it myself.

Finances and stuff

I have so many drafts of posts I start writing, but never get around to finishing - mostly because when I go back to finish I realize how whiny/venty/boring they are. Not to mention the whole "do I really want to make this public?" thing (because the internets NEVER forget. EVER.)

Most of what I want to post about these days is finances. It's something that's always on my mind and I spend a good portion of my time reading personal finance blogs and reading as many books as I can get my hands on - I can't get enough right now and I'm trying to piece everything together as much as possible so that I can formulate a reasonable plan for myself to pay off my debt and save as much as possible, with the ultimate goal of 'early' retirement (or at least the ability to work part time/live the life I want to.) I can't wait for the day when I truly have financial freedom.

I've started telling a few people my 'goal' and I think most people think I'm off my rocker. They don't seem to understand that my ultimate goal isn't to sit in my mortgaged home with kids and fancy toys. My ultimate goal is the freedom to pursue anything I darn well please - whether that's becoming a certified unicorn tamer or spending a few years living in a tropical location without a care in the world.

I'm sure part of the concern stems from the fact that the concept of 'early retirement' is nearly unheard of in a society where working past your AARP membership qualification age is the norm. Forgoing home ownership and being a renter isn't a popular decision either...but I would rather be time and freedom rich than house poor. I think some people also assume that I may be giving up an awful lot of 'fun' things to live a life of drudgery and boredom.

However, having been broke and living from paycheck to paycheck most of my adult life has been stressful and it's not an experience I care to repeat. I don't want to be 50 and worrying about how I'm going keep a roof over my head. I don't want to look at my cell phone with dread each time I hear it ring (because student loan/auto loan/credit card companies don't like it when your late or skip all together.) Of course, I know money can't technically buy you happiness, but it can buy you freedom. Freedom from worrying about finances all the time and ultimately the freedom to do what you want when you want it.

So, all of that being said, I'm still trying to figure out what my shorter term goals are and how I'm going to achieve everything I want to. My first step is to build a 6-month emergency fund. I also currently have student loans and a personal loan to pay off, but my interest rates are low and my lack of emergency fund is partly why I have the debt in the first place. I'm single and have nobody to fall back on. I currently have 1 month saved (I had 2 months, but I got careless and lazy...so I'm back at 1.) and while it's a relief to have it, it's not enough to make me feel comfortable.

Once I have that done, I plan on paying back my personal loan as quickly as possible, then putting serious cash away (I hope) in both retirement funds and taxable investment funds while also repaying my student loan.

It all feels a bit daunting right now, but also good. I've never been a huge planner (despite my love of lists and label makers) but this feels pretty loose and mostly realistic at the moment. I just have to remind myself that there will be some bumps along the way and it's not going to happen in the next few years. I'm in this for at least 10 more years...maybe longer.

I may start posting my weekly spending logs in order to keep myself accountable...I may keep details under wraps (I really don't need to post my rent/paycheck for all to see) but use percentages instead. It will be really embarrassing to say '67% of my spending this week was on stuffed otters.'  Hopefully I can figure out some way to track my progress. Until then, I'll just keep making the best choices I can make and look for ways to cut back.

Getting my financial house (of cards) in order

2014 was such a shitshow that I started off 2015 with no real goals in mind. I just wanted to 'coast' and 'roll with it' as much as possible. Life threw several curve balls at me this year and while some of them were not fun to navigate, life has been pretty good overall. I know we still have another month and a half to go in 2015 (and really, who knows what that will hold) but I feel like the year is ending on a much higher and brighter note than it started (thank God!)

I'm also in a much, much better place mentally and emotionally than I was at this time last year, and I am grateful for that.  I essentially dumped a few toxic things out of my life and while things are far from perfect, I'm much happier and more content on a daily basis. I have fewer worries and while I sometimes feel down about the fact that I'm not where I expected to be at this point in my life, I also have the feeling that I'm exactly where I need to be.

All of that being said, I really, really want to get my financial life in order, like, now. Again, I'm in a better place than I was a year ago (don't even ask about 3, 5 or 10 years ago) but I still have a lot of 'clean-up' to do and I really want to get the ball rolling on early retirement or early partial retirement...basically I want the ability to work if and when I want and I certainly don't have that option right now. I have a lot of work to do if I want to accomplish this in the next 10 years.

I'm a bit of a free spirit and am not into making concrete plans (the minute you tell me I can't have something or do something is the moment I want it...immature, I know....but it's true.) I know for sure that I want to save at least $5,000 in my emergency fund this year (ideally more) and pay off my loans in full force. I mean, it will probably take years to pay off my loans, but I'd like to start really making a dent in them and not just pay interest every month for the next 20 years.  It would be such a relief to have that burden lifted and really focus on the future. I know that getting there is going to take hard work and sacrifices and I'm prepared to make those...but I'm not prepared to never eat out, cut out all food other than Top Ramen and bike 50 miles each way on my commute. Basically right now I want to make reasonable changes that stick for the long term.

I'm not sure I want to post my current net worth (you guys, I actually calculated this today...do I get a gold star?) on the interwebs or my debt...but I do feel like it might be worth it to chronicle my journey and stay accountable (to the three people who check this blog.) If nothing else, it would be a bit embarrassing to be all 'I'm a money-saving machine' one week and then have post about spending $150 on impulse Cheez-It purchases the next. Hopefully there will be more posts in the very near future (although, we all know how good I am about that) and I'll share the changes I'm making in my life and hopefully I'll have a progress update soon.

For the purposes of the blog, I'm going to count my emergency fund as $0 right now (I have roughly one month to six weeks of bills and expenses saved, assuming I keep spending the same level I do currently...but I feel like that's difficult to track since my goal is $5000 in 2016...and the more the better at this point.) I definitely want to make a dent in my loans this year, but I would like a safety net before I jump on in, you know? I'm single, so if something happens and I lose my job or have a major expense come up, I'm covered and don't have to resort to credit cards.

Also, since the holidays are right around the corner, I'm not sure how much I'll be saving until the New Year. I mean, I have no plans to spend like crazy, but I doubt I'll be putting much away...and I'm okay with that (I think.) I'm also traveling this weekend to visit family I haven't seen in a while, so again, saving money may not happen this month (between the $50 train ticket and stopping at my favorite discount health food grocery store on the way home...I'm sure I'll spend some money.)

Damn you, Jen Lancaster

As much as I adore lists (making them, crossing stuff off them, etc.) I'm not a fan of 'the bucket list'. I mean, it's great to have some life goals, I suppose, but will your life be worth less if you don't ever win an apple pie eating contest, or get around to skiing in the Alps? I certainly don't think so. I understand why people have them, but I personally feel like it creates a lot of pressure and unrealistic expectations and I have enough of that as it is, without adding a bucket list to the mix.

However, I've been listening to 'I Regret Nothing' by my all time favorite author, Jen Lancaster and I feel inspired to create my own. Before I get into that, I feel the need to share that I generally loathe audiobooks, but I love listening to her - I've read and re-read all her books multiple times, and listening to her really just brings everything full-circle. Her memoirs are my go-to for tough times and she's the only author who has ever made me laugh. Anyway, her latest memoir is all about her bucket list and the stories that surround the creation and completion of the list (it's worth noting that she's my list-twin and will even add things to her list specifically to cross them off. Seriously I love her.) What I love the most is that it's not some 'Eat, Pray, Love' kind of bucket list. While that kind of list has its place, it's not how I want to live my life. But doing a bucket list Jen Lancaster-style? That I can do.

I'm not really sure exactly how I'll go about this, or what I'll include in my bucket list. I'm thinking that in the interest of my time, sanity and bank account, a modest list going through 2016 is probably plenty. I'm not looking to change the world or learn anything significant about myself...more than anything, I think I'm still feeling a bit antsy since I quit my part time job and deferred my Chicago Marathon entry to 2016. I feel like I need some direction and something to occupy my time.

I realize that a bucket list is supposed to be made up of all the things you want to accomplish before you die...so maybe what I'm doing isn't a bucket list as much as it is a glorified, long-term to-do list (hey, a list is a list, man.) I figure if nothing else, this will be a chance to finish some lingering projects and keep me accountable during 2016 marathon training. It's also a way for me to avoid having my ass glued to my couch watching Real Housewives reruns 24/7. Oh, and maybe I'll even blog a bit more (gotta keep the five people who actually read this entertained.) Hopefully I can follow through with this (unlike my 'things I'm thankful for' list last November...what can I say? Life started mildly sucking and I wasn't feeling uber-thankful at the time.)

I want the goals/things on my list to be realistic and attainable. Sure, things on a bucket list should be those things that really push you  out of your comfort zone and/or are once in a lifetime experiences...but this is my short-term bucket list and I know the only way I'll follow through with it is to make goals that require work on my part to acheive, but don't have me doing crazy and/or annoying shit like "grocery shop with only coupons for one month" or "finish a Whole 30" or "don't spend any money in November." Those kinds of things don't appeal to me at. all.

I'll have to figure out how to create a separate blog-header so I don't have to put the whole list in every blog entry I post (I know it's not complicated, I'm just lazy. Also, given my blogging history, it will probably only affect two posts, max.) I only have a few things right now, but hopefully I'll think of a few more things along the way.

2016 Bucket List

• Repaint bedroom furniture
• Finish NYC quilt I started in 2008 (gulp. really? that long ago?)
• Finally hang art/pictures in my bedroom
• Get an emergency kit together (because, you know, my wine collection will only get me so far during the zombie Apocalypse...or major earthquake...whichever comes first)
• Adopt a pet
• Complete a massive overhaul of my dressers and closet and work on not owning so much crap, and organizing the crap I have
• Speaking of crap, organizing the few boxes I have in the garage that I haphazardly packed when I moved.
• Try at least one new wine tasting room (this should not be too difficult)
• Commit to strength training three times a week for at least a month (and hopefully stay consistent after that.)
• Save at least $5,000 in my emergency fund in one year (I already have a 2-month fund, but need more than that to feel comfortable...this is a stretch with my current salary and current expenses...so we shall see.)
• Finish the Chicago Marathon!!!!

So, as of today, I only have 11 items on the list - that's less than one thing per month (hooray for laziness!) Nothing on the list is too 'out there' but everything requires some level of commitment on my part. Heck, even just finishing a few of these would make me happy.

I'm not sure I've ever made a real 'bucket list' before and tend to stick to things I can accomplish in a day...so this should be interesting. The real challenge will be to actually blog about this stuff.

My ego hurts

I've been running consistently for the last six years of my life. Most runs happen without incident (other than me whining in my head about the fact that I'm 'OMGexercising instead of watching TV', but I digress) and I generally return from a run at peace with my life and in a great (for me) mood. Running is seriously the best therapy ever (aside from beer/wine/any form of liquor.)

Any runner will tell you that not every run is a good run. In fact, based on my completely unscientific data, I'd say that at least half of all runs are either 'meh' or bad. 10% (again, based on my totally unscientific data) are downright awful. Perhaps you get approached by someone sketchy, nearly get run over by a cyclist (on the mother effing sidewalk when there are four bike lanes on the street you're running on) or maybe you've managed to injure yourself. Whatever the reason, these runs are almost enough to make you question why you're running in the first place.

Today I had a run in the 10% category.

I was hesitant to even run today because my quads were sore (actually, not just sore - they were on fucking fire) from my other workouts this week (including a 10 minute online Barre3 workout that I assumed would be easy and relaxing and 'stretchy.' I cannot tell you how off my assumption was.) However, in the interest of not wasting my lunch hour going down the GOMI rabbit hole and/or getting my 'basic bitch' on with a PSL from Starbucks, I decided to do one last run so that I could take Friday and Saturday off.

The run started off fine - a little slow, but I was in good spirits overall. After the first half-mile I found my groove and was cruising along, despite the heat (and nearly getting run over by the aforementioned fucking cyclist that refuses to use the bike lane, engineered especially for that purpose.) I started to struggle a little as I approached the half-way mark/turnaround point, but I wanted to tough it out (especially since the half-way point is at an intersection that can take forever to get across...it makes for a nice resting point.)

Just as I started to push through and pick up the pace a bit, I tripped over what I assume was an uneven sidewalk. I felt the front of my foot hit something...then somehow I went flying with both feet off the ground (all I could think of before I hit the ground was 'fuck, this is going to hurt'.) I landed on my left side, mostly on my elbow, but with both palms on the sidewalk. My left buttock (seriously, is there not a better term for this?) and thigh also took a lot of the impact. It's worth noting the giant thud/body slap noise I made when I landed.

I sat on the ground for a few seconds, feeling generally defeated (it hasn't exactly been the best week ever) and I started crying. Not because I was hurt (though, I didn't feel great,) but because it was just one more thing to add to my list of 'first world problems' I'm experiencing right now. I got up as quickly as I could and surveyed the damage. My elbow and both palms were bleeding (thankfully, not profusely) and from what I could tell, my capris didn't rip (though, I was wearing cute underwear...unlike the last time it happened.) Honestly, at that point my ego was probably more bruised than anything...because falling on a busy street, in front of a bus stop with people isn't exactly my idea of a good time.

I actually managed to jog most of the way back to the office (it's worth noting that my playlist was on shuffle mode and 'Bad Blood' came on...It's like the universe knew that's what I needed at that moment) I finally got back to the office, whined to some coworkers and cleaned myself up as best I could before I changed out of my workout gear...which is now covered in dirt and dust (I decided to skip the cute sweater and boots I was wearing earlier and opted for a sweatshirt and TOMS...also? thank goodness I keep extras of this stuff in my office.)

Trying to clean the wounds was more painful at that point than the wounds themselves.  I bandaged my elbow as best one can with such a 'bendy' part of the body (I also think I may have some gravel/asphalt embedded in my palm...but it hurts to deal with. I'm also super-duper thankful for the ER nurse who came barreling at me with a tetanus booster the last time I was in the ER, for a much worse fall that involved slamming my head and blacking out for a few seconds.) Now that I'm a few hours out, I'm feeling rather uncomfortable. My elbow and palms are stinging (yet, I'm still typing) and I'm sore all over. My back is sore, my left leg is sore, my wrists are sore, etc.

I know I'll totally recover in a few days and will likely be itching to run before the weekend is over. It's not my first fall during a run (heck, the last two times landed me in urgent care/ER) and, unfortunately, I'm sure it won't be my last.

In the meantime, I plan on going easy for a few days, save for doing a pre-natal Barre3 workout (I'm not with child, but I figure I could benefit from the modified moves until I get my strength and balance up...because that workout is among the more difficult ones I've done.) I'm also super thankful that I put the Chicago Marathon on hold until 2016 and I'm not training for my usual October half. It feels weird to skip out on stuff this year, but it's so nice to not have the pressure (more on this later...maybe. I suck at blogging regularly.)

So, how's your Thursday going?

**my mouse is being a total a-hole, so most of my sidebar/parenthesis are just in regular font. Maybe I'll fix it at a later date...or not.

Sunday Morning

It's been nearly a month since my last day of work at my part-time job. Thanks to a whirlwind work trip to DC, followed by a 13-state road trip through the southern US, I haven't really had much time to process everything. Honestly? I'm kind of glad it worked out the way it did - I had no time to wallow because I went from my last night of work to hopping on a red-eye flight less than 72 hours later. It's hard to be sad when there are so many other things happening.

This past week was my first week back to 'normal' (however you define it) and it was wonderful (as wonderful as it can be when you haven't won the lottery yet and have to work a 9-5 job.) I mean, sure there were the daily ups and downs of life...but overall, I feel really free...and slightly regretful that I didn't cut the cord sooner. I forgot what it was like to enjoy an evening run along the coast. I couldn't remember what it was like to leisurely browse the aisles at Trader Joe's and cook something more than a baked potato on a weeknight (don't worry - baked potatoes are still very much a part of my nightly dinner rotation.) I have time for a leisurely glass of wine or two and can still easily wake up the next day since I don't have to leave my house until 7:40.

I'm not sure I will ever be 100% at peace with quitting the job. I miss working in that field. I liked having that connection with my community and I still can't think of a cooler job to have. I wonder if I should have held on a bit longer and I worry that I blew a big opportunity. That being said, nothing (and I do mean nothing) compares to running on a dirt trail, inhaling the sea breeze (and dirt) and stopping to enjoy the endless ocean views. 

If I'm being 100% honest, the thing I miss the most is the additional paycheck. It's scary to lose so much income and I'm a bit nervous for the coming months. I know that if I'm careful, I'll be just fine (but the problem right now? I'm having too much fun catching up on life and spending too much money doing so) I'm actually in a much, much better position now than I was a few months ago, even if the actual disposable income is less. 

The biggest change in my life since quitting? I'm actually feeling happy and content. Certainly not perfect, but much better than I've been in a long time. I may need to keep reminding myself that having less money and feeling content is so much better than working myself to death to buy things I can't afford to try to make myself happy (I still contend that money is an important factor in happiness though.) 

I'm determined to focus on throwing myself into my full time job and enjoying all the interests and hobbies that I've put on the back burner for so long - reading, sewing, writing, puzzling, cooking, container gardening...and of course, watching my beloved (though less so these days) reality TV. I'm hoping that other opportunities open up eventually, but for now I think I'm fine just coasting and enjoying a slower pace of life.

Heck, normally I'd be racing around on Sunday, trying to accomplish all my cooking, cleaning, packing and prep for the week while trying to fit in a workout and maybe grocery shopping and a quick lunch with friends. Now? I'm still in pajamas at 2:00, enjoying multiple cups of coffee and contemplating the rest of my day (I suppose I should go to the gym, clean and do laundry...but all I really want to do is lounge and drink beer...or wine...or whiskey.) 

I believe my last blog posts were all about quitting the job and equating it to being in a relationship that no longer works. It's really difficult to see things clearly when you're in the midst of it. However, now that I'm standing on the other side, I can see that I was more afraid of 'letting go' and 'being alone' than I put up with more than I should have for much longer than I should have. Hopefully I've learned my lesson on that for good.

Don't worry, I'm totally judging myself

If you read my post from yesterday, you know that I'm going through a fairly major life change. I'm going to take a moment to sound like an overly dramatic douchebag, but hear me out...I feel like I'm losing a huge part of my identity, as I've been so wrapped up in this second job for the better part of 2 years. I don't really remember who I was without it.  I guess I have to find myself again (seriously, I'm judging myself so, so much for this paragraph...I can't believe I'm actually going to post it.) 

I'm excited to focus on things like running, reading, cooking, organizing...and, of course, spending time with friends and family that I've put on the back burner for so long (which, is probably the LAST thing one should EVER put on the back burner.) Maybe I'll attempting gardening again...play more games, do more puzzles, read trashy books, finally learn to sew and quilt on my own. The possibilities are almost endless, I suppose. 

I'm still nervous to see how this is all going to work out. I'm probably most nervous about the cut in income - I'm not sure how balance building my savings while paying off debt and still having a life (another post for another time, but I'm paying off all my credit cards with a personal loan that has a much, much lower interest rate, so I'll finally get ahead in this whole 'paying off debt' adventure.) I'm worried, but I'm also strangely at peace - I don't NEED a lot of things to be happy. I think I've finally, finally learned my lesson and become (wish it happened sooner, but it is what it is.)

This is going to be an interesting transition, but I'm optimistic that it will be a good one. All I can do right now is take things day by day.  I suppose it's time to start getting ready for my second to last Saturday of work at 'the mother ship'. Usually I'd be stressed trying to eat, shower, get dressed and do my hair...but today? I just don't care - I'm taking my time and I'm prepared for what is thrown my way today. 

It's not you, it's me (okay, maybe it's a little 'you')

I'm going through a breakup...and it sucks. It reminds me of why I avoid doing crazy, emotional wall-dropping things like 'dating' in the first place.

I suppose I should clarify that I'm not breaking up with another human being (obviously...because, me? dating? HA!) but rather, with a job. And, not just any job - this was the job I thought would lead to my dream job. This was the job to end all jobs. This was the answer to every prayer. This was what was going to fix everything that was wrong in my life (this? right here? is why relationships fail.) 

As it turns out, this wasn't my dream job...for a myriad of reasons. I tried to pretend that it was - I kept telling myself it would get better. It didn't. I kept telling myself that I would catch on and move up. I didn't. This was the toughest, most emotionally draining job I've ever had (clean up vomit and help someone find information about how to file for divorce in California...while helping four people ranging in age from 6-60 print documents while trying to help a toddler find their parents? AND stopping to 'bust' someone for viewing pornography? All in a day's work.) I thought it would get easier and that I'd have all the answers. I don't. These last few weeks have been awful. I tried to pretend like I was okay with what was happening and that I could work through it. I couldn't.

I gave up a lot to make this work. I can't count the number of sacrifices I made. I'm super lucky that I have a handful of close friends and family members that tolerate me (because if this was the other way around, I'd probably be all, 'peace out' ...again...this is also probably why I'm single.) I'm also super lucky that my 'non-dream-full-time-regular-job' tolerated all of this.

As I was getting ready for yet another super-long workday (not including the 2 hour commute) yesterday, I realized this wasn't working at all anymore. I realized that no amount of money would change the fact that I was unhappy and that I fell short of my own expectations. It suddenly hit me that things probably wouldn't be changing anytime soon...I would never be able to make them change....and so...it was time to say goodbye.

While I think I suck at relationships (again, obviously) I know that there's a point where you have to let go and take care of yourself. I'm still in love with the idea of this job...maybe we will get back together one day...but I know that this job, as it is now, will never lead to a happy 'marriage.' We would probably end up divorcing sooner than later...and that would be much, much worse than ending it now.

Most people are happy to leave a job that's no longer working for them. I'm fairly devastated (alright, 'fairly' probably isn't the right word...I'm devastated. Full-on devastated.) This was the job I worked so hard for. This was the job I pulled all-nighters for...while working full-time just to get the damn 'advanced' degree that is required for this job. This was the job I thought would be the golden ticket out of post-baccalaureate poverty (it was actually a ticket into more debt...but more on that later.) Was it all for nothing?

I don't blame my (almost) former employer for any of it. This is definitely a case of 'it's not you, it's me' (maybe 'it's them' a teeny-tiny bit...I dunno...it takes two to tango, yes?)  Are there things I wish they would have done differently? Sure. But, I also realize the immense stress they are under to serve the community...and I think they do a fantastic job (especially with the limited resources they have.) Heck, they tried to make this work for me too. I really do think the world of them.

I'm generally careful about what I post about work on social media and the like, but I HAD to get this out. I'm still questioning my decision. I'm freaking out about losing a third of my income. Maybe I should have sucked it up a bit longer...I don't know. If I never said anything, I'd still have my job. I'd still be on the path I'd always intended. It's really difficult to admit that maybe, just maybe, this isn't the right path for me (I mean, my degree really can be applied broadly - it's not like it says 'Master of working HERE, in this SPECIFIC location and field.) 

Truthfully, I never quite believe people when they say that they are 'still in love, but just can't make it work.' I mean, if you really loved someone, you would find a way to make it happen, yes? (again, perhaps this is why I'm single?) If that person was really and truly the one, wouldn't you go to the end of the earth and back again to make them happy? You would do whatever it takes to make it work, right?

...And now, here I am...still in love (I think...but I've been so, SO wrong about this before) ...but I just can't make it work. I failed again.

I will be okay eventually.

Deep down, I know this is the right thing to do.

I'm determined not to fall into the 'friends with benefits' trap.

I'm attempting to be happy with all the superficial things quitting this job/breaking up will bring (a lot more free time, a later wake-up call, more time to run, more time to spend with friends and family...the list could go on and on.) I'm sure that years from now, while I'm working at my 'actual' dream job, the proverbial light bulb in my head will switch on and I'll officially declare that the 'universe' knew what it was doing all along...

But for now, I'm sad. I'm totally wallowing. I'm sort-of-secretly hoping that this just might work out after all...I'm not ready to put the final, sad, rusty nail in the coffin just yet. I'm so, SO tempted to change my 'status' from 'in a relationship' to 'it's complicated' when, really, it's should be 'single'.

Letting go is really, really hard.

But I have to do it.

It's really not you.

It's me.

Week 1

This post is detailing my training for a fall 'race.' Seriously, this is probably boring to just about anyone but me. I just want a log of training so that I can monitor my progress and just document the experience in general. You've been warned.

Official fall training started last week - the October race feels so far out, but it will be here before I know it. All in all, last week was pretty good, but it wasn't without struggles. I had a cold a few weeks ago while it doesn't really affect me while I'm running, I lost an awful lot of fitness since I didn't run for several weeks.

Anyway, I feel stronger with each run and it feels really good to be back in the swing of things. My workouts have been so sporadic the past few months and I forgot how good I feel when I stick to regular workouts. I sleep better, I'm inclined to eat better and my moods are better (seriously, more than once last week I was all 'why the heck am I so happy right now...it's pretty sad when you question why you're in a good mood.) 

Here's a brief rundown of what I did:

Monday:      2.5 mile run
Tuesday:      2.5 mile run
Wednesday: 2.5 mile run
Thursday:     rest
Friday:         5.5 mile run
Saturday:     rest
Sunday:       2 mile walk around my childhood 'hood

Not bad for week 1, but lots of room for improvement. My 'long' run was by far the toughest, but the good news is that (a.) I finished and (b.) I knew what went wrong. There was a strong headwind for most of it, so that made the run tougher than it should have been.

I know I didn't eat nearly enough before the 'long' run. I've been really working on eating more food and eating healthier food. I was pleased with my eating last week, but I don't think I ate enough on Thursday or Friday morning and I really started to feel worn out during my 'long' run. Eating and running is a tricky business and it takes a while to work all the kinks out.

Another thing I need to work out is adding weights and cross training. I picked up a dumbbell for the first time in ages last night and I'm aiming for three days of lifting per week. I'm not looking to do a hard-core lifting routine, but I do want strong muscles because that's what will carry me through the tough miles. 

Finally, I need sleep. I've been slacking on the sleep and staying up wayyy too late. I mean, I'm naturally sleeping a bit more soundly thanks to all the working out, but I need much, much more than what I'm getting now.

I guess that's it for now. I need to look at this weeks training plan to see what I'm in for...I can't believe this is actually happening!

Without a doubt, this week has been rough - the worst I've had in quite some time. However, with the exception of narrowly avoiding a major accident on a small rural road, today has been a major turning point. (seriously - my shoulders and neck are slightly aching...I'm assuming from tensing up and bracing myself against the steering wheel while slamming on my brakes and honking my horn.) 

Anyway, I think getting back into running/training mode has a lot to do with it. I did three 2.5 mile easy runs and I'm planning to do a 5 mile run tomorrow.  I'm a bit nervous (but also excited) because it's the longest run I've done since the half last October, but overall I feel pretty good about it. 

I know I have a few things I need to work on if I want to improve - namely drinking more water, getting more sleep, not letting myself get hungry to the point of being famished. I also want to add in two days of strength training, since strong muscles are what will carry me through to the finish line. 

This is probably hella boring to anyone but me, but I really want to document this experience as much as possible and a good first week is an awesome start.

Sometimes it's Taylor Swift

Sometimes life sucks

Sometimes I can't just snap out of it

Sometimes I just need space

Sometimes a run cures everything

Sometimes a run is just a run

Sometimes it's hard to hold it together

Sometimes I just want to be totally alone

Sometimes I have to vagueblog like an angst-ridden, narcissistic teenager

Sometimes I think it's totally possible to live off doughnuts, cheesecake and key-lime pie alone

It's never okay to wear shorts that showcase your downstairs-lady-theater 

It's always okay to just be yourself, assert your boundaries and stay true to what you believe in

It's also always okay to be on team yoga pants instead of team fancy pants

 ...and that's basically where I'm at right now.

In other news, I just got back from a run - I was hoping the run would put me in a better mood...and it really didn't. But that's okay. I got in another training run, a good thing, since I'm potentially 18 weeks out from a marathon. I got to run in the rain - something that almost never happens in Southern California, much less in June. Listening to Ellie Goulding's while running in the rain is SO cathartic, even if it doesn't accomplish much.

Also, I'm hesitant to admit it, but Taylor Swift totally speaks to me as well. I was binge-hate-watching House Hunters On-Demand the other day and it's interspersed with commercials of Taylor Swift fans that think they are part of a focus group and they've missed out on Taylor Swift World Tour tickets...but as it turns out, they weren't part of a focus group and Comcast gave them tickets and backstage passes to the tour. Normally I'd roll my eyes and give a not-super-appropriate hand gesture...but (and I'm ashamed to admit this) I found myself teary-eyed and totally understanding where they were coming from...while simultaneously playing Bad Blood in my head.

Judge me all you want (because, believe me, I totally judge myself) but in the words of the wise, wise T-Swift "haters gonna hate" (y'all have no idea how much I want to add a "YO!" to that last statement.)

I have no idea why I'm posting any of this....

Not a happy camper

I'm angry as hell right now. I'm not sure how clear this post will be...or if I'll regret posting this later, but I feel like I need to get it out, so here it goes...

Anyone who knows me knows me beyond the surface/acquaintance level knows I've had some pretty serious bouts of depression. Not severe enough to be hospitalized...but severe enough to have some pretty dark episodes and seek treatment. Going through my medical/family history would take too much time and energy (not to mention the fact that it would be invasive and probably better left off the internets.) But, the important thing to know is that I did not take the decision to take medication for my depression lightly. I weighed the benefits and risks and ultimately came to the conclusion that I was doing more harm to myself by not taking medication and seeking the help I needed.

Treating depression has been an ongoing process for me over the last several years, but thanks to an awesome doctor in LA, I found the right dosage/combination of things that helped me to function. When I moved, the transition to a new doctor was pretty seamless and she supported the treatment plan I had in place. I take a mid-rage dosage of some standard medications and combine it with exercise/healthy habits to make me function like a "normal" human being. I'm not an overly happy, unemotional robot, but I think this is what 'normal' feels like. Everything has been good for a while now and it's been great. However, that all changed today.

I logged on to my pharmacy's website and requested a refill on my medication, just like I have done every month with this specific doctor and pharmacy for the 36 months. Only this time I got a lovely voice mail from the pharmacist saying my request for a refill was denied. After giving myself a minute to calm down, I called my doctor for more clarification on the issue...why, after three years, is this suddenly an issue? (side note, I like my doctor, but the office staff could use a lesson in compassion...but that's really not the point right now.) I tried to keep my cool on the phone, but I couldn't help but to give the physician's assistant a bit of attitude - I mean, it would have been great if someone had told me about this new policy a few months ago, not when I'm trying to refill needed medications.

As upset as I am. I know it's not my doctor's fault or the pharmacy's fault and is likely just another case of "government red tape" (I'm not going to get into politics right now, but I'm very 'middle-of-the-road' when it comes to politics...if that matters) The thing I hate the most about all of this is the fact that I feel like I'm treated like some tweaked-out druggie every. single. time I have to pick up my medication. I hate it. Honestly? I'm not at all embarrassed about the fact that I've chosen to take medication to treat depression. I'm actually proud of the fact that I took control of my health and did something to get my life back. That being said, there is a certain amount of shame in picking up my medication each month, getting treated by some pharmacists/pharmacy staff as if I'm just sitting around popping pills all the live long day.

I know that laws and regulations are in place for a reason. I know there is a huge drug problem in the US. I'm aware that addicts come in all forms and the fact that I have two jobs (by choice,) a Master's degree and am active in my community doesn't make me immune to addiction. I'm not saying that there should be a Xanax dispenser next to soda machines, you know? But, what I am saying, is that it shouldn't be so goddamned hard for people with legitimate, documented and monitored conditions/illnesses to get the medication they need. It also really, really bothers me that mental health and psychological disorders are completely discounted, yet sensationalized when someone goes off the deep end and does something stupid.  

It's not even the part about going to the doctor every six months to get re-approved that annoys me. If anything, this will probably all be fine and I'm getting prematurely worked up about the issue. I'm not sure if it's a loss of control over my own health and well being, or anger at the politics involved. Either way, I'm scared that I may no longer be able to take the medication that allows me to get out of bed every morning and be a functioning member of society. The medication that prevents me from drowning in a pool of sobs and tears...for no reason at all.  The medication that balances me and lets me realize that life is worth living, rather than being a listless, ambivalent shell of a human who stays in bed for days at a time.

As for long term treatment, there's the whole 'you're just going through a withdrawal/you can't be on this your whole life' thing that some people seem to bring up..and I've tried more than once to taper off medication...and each time. instead of things getting better as time went on, they got worse. There was a point a few years ago when I felt like a total failure because the taper wasn't working. I went back to my doctor in tears and she explained that depending on genetics, chemical make-up, etc., some people really do need to be on medication for the long term and depression is sometimes a life-long condition. I don't know what the future holds for me...I would like to think that I won't be dealing with this forever, but I've made peace with the fact that it may not be in the cards for me. The most important thing is that I'm healthy, happy and productive, with or without medication and that I have the support to make that happen.

I'm willing to speak up and attempt to advocate for myself, but I wonder how many people out there are too ashamed or too afraid to get the help they need. I wonder how many people give up after the first round of red-tape with insurance companies, the government and the health care industry as a whole. I wish that depression and its treatments would be taken more seriously...because the real danger to society doesn't come from medication itself, but rather the fact that people don't have access to the thing they might need the most.

It's always something

Here we go - another one of my haphazard random updates...For my 2.87 readers, I apologize in advance, because most of this will likely be totally boring and useless to you. For some unknown reason I feel compelled to write about it though.

I believe the last time I blogged, I was frustrated at myself for my complete lack of organization in my personal, financial and possibly work life. I felt like I was slowly drowning and there was really no reason for it. Since then, I've worked on getting my shit together in all of those areas and while nothing is where I want it to be, I do feel a bit better about all of that stuff. It's amazing how something as simple as keeping stuff clean and clutter-free can help. I finally feel like I'm getting my finances together and while I have a LONG way to go, I feel like I finally have a tiny bit of momentum going and I don't want to ruin it by spending my money on stupid stuff.

That being said, life has thrown a curve ball and while it's too early to know exactly what's going to happen and how everything is going to play out, it's weighing pretty heavily on me. I've become quite complacent with my current situation, never really stopping to think about what would happen if one of those factors changed.

At some point in the near future, my current situation will likely be very, very different...and in some ways that's awesome...and in others, it's totally terrifying. One of the scenarios might be rather unpleasant and it's made me realize that I'm totally unprepared for the future, should the worst-case scenario actually happen...also, any financial traction I might have gained recently could potentially be derailed. I feel like I've been down this road a few times before and I've always just kind of given up...which inevitably leads me down a dark road.

I know one can never really be prepared for the future, but really, if I'm not careful, I'll be screwed (and not in a good way.) I've been tracking every penny, for better or worse in April. I'm not changing any habits quite yet, but it's important to me to see where I can improve so that even if the worst scenario happens, I'll be alright. I've never been one to buy big flashy items (I did have a brief, but very expensive phase post-college where I bought high-end designer jeans and purses...I'm over the jeans and I still use the purses from 10 years ago and don't plan on buying more) I know most of my purchases are small, but they are adding up and quite possibly ruining my financial and life goals.

I have a mini-vacation planned at the end of April that I'm not backing out on (because that would not be cool to everyone else and I'd have to pay for my part anyway.) I think the mini-trip should come in well under $500 (famous last words) and I'm hoping to keep it closer to $400.  Trip aside, come May 1st, I'm putting the brakes on my spending and hard-core saving for the future and paying off debt. Life is finally starting to brighten up and I'll be damned if I let a bump in the road throw me off this time.

Maybe I'll track my progress on here, maybe not (I actually do have a few post ideas) I don't know. I don't feel comfortable posting specific numbers and such and I'm not sure how much of my life I want on the interwebs, but I do feel better just having blogged about it, so there's that.

Posts like this are what happens when you have a Pitbull song stuck inyour head

Like many people, patience is not one of my strong points. I want things and I want them now. Obviously, this isn't how life works. It's a lesson that I have yet to fully learn.

It's funny, because I can look back on certain times/events in my life (or someone else's) and see the reason the universe (God? Jesus? Bob Saget?) made me wait or forced me to take a different path (for the record, I tend to fall somewhere between God and the universe...Bob Saget is cool, but I'm not sure I'm comfortable letting Danny Tanner direct my life choices.)

However, it's hard to see the good in situations or see the light at the end of the tunnel when you're in the midst of the shitstorm clusterfuck that is life (no auto correct, I did not mean to type "cluster duck") you start to feel like you're not destined to get anything you want and that you're going nowhere in life.

This post feels a bit dramatic right now (seriously folks, I'm good) but it's something that's on my mind tonight. I can only hope/pray/attempt to be as optimistic as possible that this will all turn out as it should in the end...in the meantime, I'll try not to drive myself too crazy...and, if that fails, there's always wine.

A different kind of March Madness

My mind is currently all over the place right now. Seriously, I feel like it's getting pulled in 45 different directions...none of them bad places to be, but it's hard to be in 45 different places at once, you know? I know life is complicated and messy and it certainly doesn't fit neatly into an organized to-do list...but I can do better than this.

Obviously, I don't update this blog much, but the last time I did back in January, I talked about how I wanted this to be a low-key, mostly goal-free year. No real resolutions or ambitious goals (unless you consider waking up every day be an ambitious goal.) It's been nice not stressing about achieving lofty goals and over-analyzing all the ways in which I'd be falling short.

However, I've found that I've become quite lazy...like, lazy beyond lazy and that's not a good place to be either. I don't want to spend my downtime working out, reading, socializing or cleaning or working on professional development. Nope, all of those things require ambition and energy, two things that are in short supply right now.

On top of being lazy, I've found that I'm also quite scattered (hence, why I have 45 different things going on in my head at any given time.) I've even been slacking on my to-do lists lately (I know, right?) At any given moment it feels like I'm doing the bare minimum to keep my head above water and instead of allowing me to relax and un-clench, it's actually causing me quite a bit of stress.

I've decided the madness stops today. The events that led me to this declaration, in order: a five minute hunt for clean yoga pants in the 4 foot tall pile of CLEAN clothes stacked against my dresser for the past week, realizing that I'm low on k-cups after I stumbled upstairs for morning coffee and last, but certainly not least, the fact that I just had to transfer $500 out of my savings account to pay bills - bills that were due today no less. I know I'll replace the $500 (and more) when I get paid this week...but still, it was painful to transfer that much and it could have been avoided if I had just planned a bit better.

It's time to stop being so ambivalent and lazy and start planning ahead a bit. I need to establish some out very loose goals. I don't need to aim for perfection, but I do want some direction (look at me, rhyming and everything...maybe I can be the next Vanilla Ice?) in my life. I may get around to posting some of the goals eventually, but honestly, they aren't that interesting and there's just the whole 'perhaps some things are better left off the interwebs' thing (perhaps this blog shouldn't exist?) 

It feels better to get all this out (even if it is just for my own personal sanity.) I was also able to cross four items off my to-do list while I was writing this blog post. Seriously, I forgot how good it could feel to check stuff off. I was also able to rearrange a few things today and I think the new order of things will make for a much less stressful, much more enjoyable day. To that end, I suppose it's time to sign off so I can get ready and meet a friend for lunch (I was actually awake at 8:00 this morning, which gave me plenty of time to lounge and relax, while still being able to leave the house by 11:00 AM. It's a spring miracle!)

My future self will probably roll my eyes at this post

I really wish I could see into the future. Will I get married? Will I ever own a home? Will I pay off my student loan? Will I ever have a non-entry-level job? Will I retire at a reasonable age? Will I accidentally get knocked up? Where will I live next? You get the picture.

Sure, I suppose it would take the element of surprise out of my life, but I'm okay with that. Maybe things wouldn't be as "fun" but to be honest, I don't think being in a constant state of flux is ever fun. Take dating, for example. A lot of people enjoy the "thrill of the chase." Personally, I've always hated it. I hate being all "OMGwhatdoesthismean!!??" over every little thing (which, is probably why I'm single.) Anyway, not that I think dating should be a business-like transaction, and I'm certainly not looking for anyone to put a ring on it (did I really just say that?) right away (because that would be weird.) but it would be nice knowing, for once, if something has a chance of going somewhere or if it's a dead-end and I should turn and run as fast as I can in the other direction.

The funny thing is (and maybe I've blogged about it before?) I'm not much of a day-to-day planner. I like having some sort of structure (and God knows I LOVE my lists) but, like, knowing I have to meet someone at 9:30 am for something is enough to send me into panic mode and make me not sleep at night. I get stabby if people I'm traveling with want a firm itinerary (why can't we just wait and see how we feel before we decide to go to place X at such and such a time?) 

And, it's not just the insignificant things like traveling - life happens and sometimes planning stuff doesn't work. There are months and years where life keeps throwing one curve ball after another and they can derail the most solid of plans. I mean, it's great that I want to be married and retire early and travel a bit...but that may not happen and I need to be okay with that. In the words of Jack Johnson, "In times like these and in times like those, what will be will be, and so it goes."

This post is probably full of contradictions...but it's just been on my mind lately. Maybe I just need to learn to relax a little (or, maybe I need to be more of a planner.) I'm smart enough to know that life is complicated and never going to be perfect. I'm also smart enough to know that things may not happen the way I want them to, but may end up being just as good.

Maybe I just need to be patient? Maybe I want too much too soon and that's just not what the universe has in store for me. I have no idea. I'm sure I'll look back on this stage of my life one day and wonder why I was so worried/uptight/frustrated. The months and years are flying by, so it should be a big deal if it takes a few more years to get where I want to be. I suppose now would be an excellent time to learn the art of contentment and stop comparing myself to others (and where I think I should be, rather than where I actually am)

Still looking up

I always joke about how I hate to talk about my feelings in person and how much I dislike the "unicorns, glitter, rainbows, and touchy-feely" events of life...yet, all I seem to do on this blog is whine about my feelings. It's kind of a risky thing to talk about, and really, I certainly don't put it all out there. However, when I started blogging, I just wanted to write and have some kind of outlet...what I didn't expect was to go through a rough patch and start blogging about depression.

I know I never got too deep into it...but I kind of cringe when I look at some of the posts and wonder if it's something I really want on the interwebs. It's kind of weird to have a record (however vague and brief it may be) of when things started to change for me. Honestly, I don't even know what I'm getting at in this post so far...I guess I just needed to get it out. Obviously, this is just a tiny blog that not too many people actually read...so I guess it doesn't matter too much....but it still feels weird and I'm still not sure why I keep writing in it.

The good news is that things are looking up. I really started feeling better around Christmas, and, for the most part, things keep getting better. Obviously nobody has a perfect day every day and stuff always happens, but there's something about changing over to a new year that gives a "clean slate" feeling to life. It's interesting to me that some arbitrary day makes things better. I can't describe it, but I swear to God, the clock hit midnight and it was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders.

Nothing else changed except for the day (and I suppose the month and year) yet it made all the difference in the world. I wish I had a better explanation for it...and I wish I could figure out why I held on to all the negative feelings until that point in time. I'm not sure what the new year holds...maybe it will be good, maybe something really bad will happen. I have no clue (hopefully good things.) 

I don't really have a direction for the blog...because, as I mentioned, not too many people read here and it's not like I was aiming to have a lifestyle blog or running blog...or, God forbid, an effing fashion blog (ha! unless there's a niche for yoga pants wearing, ugg loving, sweatshirt obsessed fashion bloggers.) I only ever started this because I wanted to write. And I still do. Not in a professional sense, just for me. I'm hoping my writing will start to reflect more of the funny, random stuff going on in my head and less of what I've been actually writing about (when I've felt up to writing.)

I'm also still hopeful that this will be a good year. I'm not putting any pressure on myself to accomplish anything. I'm honestly hoping to just "be" for a year (though it's beyond tempting to sign up for something crazy, like a marathon.) I am keeping my eyes open for new opportunities...but if I'm still here doing the same thing next year, it's not the end of the world. Maybe it's just what I need.

Obligatory New Year's post

Happy New Year! I don't know about you, but I'm glad the shit sandwich that was 2014 is over. Was it the worst year I've ever had? No, far from it (those awards would go to 2001 and 2011.) I'm not going to rehash all the events 2014 because it's just not worth it, but it was a year of a lot of change (much of it not good) and I had to say goodbye to some very special members of my family, and, by extension, a huge piece of my childhood.

I actually think I held it together really well for most of the year (and was way more optimistic than I've ever been) but something started to shift in October and by November I found myself in a state of depression that I've been slowly digging myself out of ever since. I know most people don't think depression is serious or that big of a deal, but if you don't treat it, it gets ugly real fast. Things started to look up on Christmas and I feel like I'm finally reaching a state of "normal" again...and it feels good. Of course, 2014 wasn't entirely crappy - a lot of good things happened too, but I'm not sad to see it go. Peace out 2014, don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.

Now that it's January 1st, everyone is making resolutions and declaring a complete overhaul on life. Truth be told, I've never been one to make resolutions because, like 98% of the population, I can't seem to stick with it past January 8th. I tend to be a bit more free spirited and don't like trying to fit my life into the confines of some arbitrary declaration of "I will lose 25 pounds" or "I will save $10,000 in my emergency fund." Let's be real - at the end of the day we all want to look better, feel better, have more money in our bank account, have good relationships, travel, be organized, etc. I'm certainly not immune to the lure of a resolution, but I read something yesterday that really struck me - instead of a resolution that requires a 180 on your life, or requires perfection, why not just just aim to live your life, only find ways to "do better" because any improvement is a step in the right direction. And really, we should always aim go grow and improve, not just on January 1st.

That being said, I was going to share in more detail what some of my goals were and what I wanted to improve on, but honestly? I'm just not sure they are necessary to blog about, at least, not quite yet. I'm just going to continue living my life and aiming to do it better overall. I probably will write about some of these things eventually (and possibly sooner than later...because I'm unusually excited about my reorganized closet....like, I even used a label maker...it makes me happy) but for now, I think I'm just going to live my life and not think too much about it.

I know we are only 13 hours into the new year, but I'm hopeful that this year will be better than the last. And if it isn't? Well, I'll find a way to get through it because I always do...and really, do we have any choice but to get through it?